Blogs4Bauer

Movin On Up

2007-07-24T22:03:00.000-04:00

Blogs4Bauer has moved to blogs.4bauer.com

The new site allows you to customize your Blogs4Bauer experience with character specific themes (Jack, Kim, Marwan, and Tony). We also are working on a Blogs4Bauer wiki site that anyone can contribute to. There's also a link to the Bauer Forums where you can discuss all things Bauer.

Oh, and the new site will never be down for maintenance during a live-blog session.

Que Weezy.

Well we're movin' on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin' on up
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
Beans don't burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin'
Just to get up that hill.
Now we're up in the big leagues
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it's you and me baby
There ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Our "Deluxe Apartment" is located at blogs.4bauer.com

We hope you will change your bookmarks, links, and underwear.

See you there!

More Fun With The Simpson's

2007-07-24T11:24:00.001-04:00

Part of the marketing campaign for the upcoming Simpson's movie has them teaming up with Burger King to allow people to "Simpsonize" themselves in lovely 2D. Last week we posted the Simpsonized Jack Bauer, Edgar Stiles, and Michelle Dessler. Now, here's this week's crew: Tony Almeida and Chloe.

Tony Almeida

Tony Almeida returns for Season 7 of 24. After being injected with a lethal dose of drugs during Day 5, Tony was checked into the Lindsay Lohan Memorial wing of the Betty Ford clinic for help.
During his stay, Tony had the best intense care and therapy including hypnosis and Chinese water torture money could buy. He emerged free of drugs but unfortunately still a Chicago Cubs fan (note the Cubs mug).

Chloe O'Brian

Chloe was easy, turns out most Simpson's characters have potato heads and snarls on their faces.

Other 24 characters who could be "Simpsonized": President Palmer I and II, Marwan, Kim Bauer, George Mason, Curtis, Victor Drazen, Behrooz, and many others.

Click Here to Bauerize your own Simpson's scene and we will post them here. Just send Jack Bauer an email and include the picture and a short story if you like.

Agent Pierce goes AWOL

2007-07-23T19:02:00.000-04:00

I'm the happiest girl in the world! This is my first post as an official member of Blogs4Bauer; I was invited to join today by the wacky boys over here. Part of my job in the real world is blogging about television for Remote Access, the television blog for LoHud.com/The Journal News.

So what better way to start off my Blogs4Bauer career than by providing news about our beloved — and beleaguered — show?

Our favorite Secret Service Agent, Aaron Pierce, apparently will not return to 24 next season. Glenn Morshower is joining the NBC drama Friday Night Lights as "Landry's father, a state champion Panthers alum turned local lawman." Not having ever watched FNL, I have no idea who Landry is, but I see Morshower's destined for a life of typecasting. Of course, after the Season 6 crapapalooza ... (honestly, I just wanted an excuse to say "crapapalooza" again, this sentence wasn't going anywhere.)

But WWMLD? (That means "What Will Martha Logan Do?")

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-07-23T10:54:00.000-04:00

Point: A Chick President? That's a bad good idea!
by : President Thomas "Tug" Benson

I've been told that as a former fictional president, I've got a thing or two to say about any future fictional presidents. Well I think that women should play roles that were made for women, like First Ladies. My wife, Cheryl played a good first lady. Did I mention that I like chicken soup or is it steak? For that matter who is this Cheryl person and what the hell have your done with my wife?

Sorry, got a little sidetracked, I took shrapnel to the head at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians. Where was I? To hell with that why am I not wearing pants?

Like I was saying, having a female president on 24 is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just wrong. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals and that's why we should not have a woman president on 25.

Or 24 for that matter. What were we talking about?

24 Ways Jack Bauer is Carbon Neutral

2007-07-22T10:18:00.000-04:00

It’s not enough that Jack has to save the world from every flavor of terrorist known to man, now he has to save man from mankind.

Read the 24 ways that Jack is carbon neutral here.

Simpsonize 24!

2007-07-19T09:42:00.001-04:00

Apparently there's some movie coming out about a cartoon family...The Sampsons or something like that. Well I hear that it's pretty popular. Part of their impressive marketing campaign has them teaming up with Burger King to allow people to "Simpsonize" themselves in lovely 2D.

So I Simpsonized Jack Bauer...or Bauerized the Simpsons, however you want to look at it. I know he's been on 24, but this one is my creation.

My made-up Simpson's storyline has Jack Bauer capturing Itchy and tortured him after Scratchy informed Bauer that the little mouse knew something about a hidden nuke. Only after a hilarious routine where Jack tosses Itchy a chunk of cheese with a plutonium isotope pill and he melts down, does he realize that Scratchy is a mole. So Jack takes the melted corpse of Itchy and rams it down Scratchy's throat. Jack then grabs Scratchy's spleen, which is then pulled out and shoved into Scratchy's left ear and out the right one in a flossing manner. The End.

Click Here to Bauerize your own Simpson's scene and we will post them here. Just send Jack Bauer an email and include the picture and a short story if you like.

Edgar Stiles

The date: 7/7/07 10:30am
Word spread that Kwik E-Mart was giving away free Squishees. CTU sent Edgar Stiles to investigate.
The date: 7/7/07 11:30am
Kwik E-Mart announces that there are no more free Squishees, ever. Mission accomplished.

Michelle Dessler (by Steve E)

Even in Simpson's form, Michelle Dessler is drop-dead hot. I'm not feeling all that creative today, but I'll pass along her tracking down some terrorist at the nuclear plant.

24 Makes History at the Emmy Awards

2007-07-19T07:04:00.000-04:00

Blogs4Bauer would like to congratulate the Emmy Award staff for their unprecedented move to nominate 24 in every major category! We're pretty sure they received the box Jack sent over as a reminder of how awesome he truly is.

Here's a list of the nominations:
-- Drama Series: "Boston Legal," ABC; "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; "24," Fox ; "Heroes," NBC; "House," Fox; "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Comedy Series: "Entourage," HBO; "The Office," NBC; "30 Rock, NBC; ";"24," Fox; "Ugly Betty," ABC.
-- Miniseries: "Broken Trail," AMC; "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS; "The Starter Wife," USA; "24," Fox.
-- Made-for-TV Movie: "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; "24," Fox; "Inside the Twin Towers," Discovery Channel; Longford," HBO; "The Ron Clark Story," TNT; "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy," Lifetime.
-- Actor, Drama Series: James Spader, "Boston Legal," ABC; Hugh Laurie, "House," Fox; Denis Leary, "Rescue Me," FX; James Gandolfini, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Actress, Drama Series: Sally Field, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC; Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer," TNT; Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," NBC; Patricia Arquette, "Medium," NBC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "Edie Falco, "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Supporting Actor, Drama Series: William Shatner, "Boston Legal," ABC; T.R. Knight, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Masi Oka, "Heroes," NBC; Michael Emerson, "Lost," ABC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos," HBO.
-- Supporting Actress, Drama Series: Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC; Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC; Aida Turturro, "The Sopranos," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Actor, Comedy Series: Tony Shalhoub, "Monk," USA; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Steve Carell, "The Office," NBC; Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock," NBC; Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men," CBS.
-- Actress, Comedy Series: Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine," CBS; Tiny Fey, "30 Rock," NBC; America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty," ABC; Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds," Showtime.
-- Supporting Actor, Comedy Series: Kevin Dillon, "Entourage," HBO; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage," HBO; Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother," CBS; Rainn Wilson, "The Office," CBS; Jon Cryer, "Two and a Half Men," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Supporting Actress, Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl," NBC; Jenna Fischer, "The Office," NBC; Holland Taylor, "Two and a Half Men," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Vanessa Williams, "Ugly Betty," ABC; Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds," Showtime.
-- Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Robert Duvall, "Broken Trail," AMC; Tom Selleck, "Jesse Stone: Sea Change," CBS; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "William H. Macy, "Nightmares & Dreamscapes: From the Stories of Stephen King Umney's Last Case," TNT; Matthew Perry, "The Ron Clark Story," TNT.
-- Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Queen Latifah, "Life Support," HBO; Helen Mirren, "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)," PBS; Mary-Louise Parker, "The Robber Bride," Oxygen; Debra Messing, "The Starter Wife," USA; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox.
-- Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie: Thomas Haden Church, "Broken Trail," AMC; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; "Aidan Quinn, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; Edward Asner, "The Christmas Card," Hallmark; Joe Mantegna, "The Starter Wife," USA.
-- Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie: Greta Scacchi, "Broken Trail," AMC; Anna Paquin, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO; Samantha Morton, "Longford," HBO; Kiefer Sutherland, "24," Fox; Toni Collette, "Tsunami, The Aftermath," HBO

Ow Gore!

2007-07-16T14:00:00.000-04:00

Jack Bauer in Africa?

2007-07-12T16:04:00.000-04:00

Toto sang about it, Shaft went to there, et tu Jack Bauer? The "writers" of 24 are trying to tie in a trip to Africa for Season 7 of 24.

Season 7 of 24 promises to be its tensest yet — at least on the set.

Execs at the Fox hit have scrapped virtually their entire story line for the season, delaying the start of production by roughly three weeks. According to sources, the 11th-hour time-out was called after the network put the kibosh on a costly plan to shoot a number of episodes in Africa.
(Source)

I think you can sum it up with a simple "What the hell!" If Jack Bauer goes to Africa, it's for damn sure that he'll need better plots stashed away in his manpurse last season... Let's come up with some ideas for Jack's trip to Africa and help out the people at Fox who are obviously having a collective brain fart of ginormous proportions.

Possible Plots involving Jack Bauer in Africa:
-Season 7 mole lives in a pack of wildebeest
-Jack Bauer kills all rouge Russians, mobsters, and Muslims in North America, Australia, South America, Europe, and Asia. So he heads to Africa since Al Gore made Jack Bauer pledge to avoid Antarctica because his testosterone would do further damage to the ice caps
-Jack Bauer knows that Scar is behind the death of Mufasa and plans on torturing him until he confesses or cries like a girl (or both). Hakuna matata dammit!
-Kim Bauer gets cornered by a cheetah
-Jack Bauer sat through Madagascar and wants his damn money back
-The Sentinel II: African Adventure won't film itself.
-Jack wants to win Audrey over by getting her a diamond ring...a blood diamond ring.
-Jack's finally checking up on Luis Rakotozafy to see where his damn inheritance money is!
-Travels to Zimbabwe, meets Robert Mugabe, kicks his ass...twice

Got any other plot suggestions for the lackluster bunch of buffoons that call themselves writers? Post them in the comments section, we will pick the best and email them to Fox.

Some People Make Their Own Luck

2007-07-07T23:45:00.001-04:00

Today is July 7th, 2007. For you numerologists out there, today is 7/7/07. And if you believe that nonsense, then today may be your lucky day. Of course, it also may not be, especially if you work for CTU: Los Angeles.

The Top Ten Signs Today Is Not Your Lucky Day

10. You have a mole on your cheek.
9. Morris O'Brian asks you to "cover" for him.
8. You call Josh Bauer a "pansy."
7. Nadia smiles at you.
6. You're ordered to take Jack into custody.
5. Chloe O'Brian is your new training officer.
4. You are currently dating Martha Logan.
3. Division assigned you to be Jack's new partner.
2. You are wearing a red "CTU Security" shirt.

And the number one sign today is not your lucky day . . .

1. You just had a one-night stand with Kim Bauer.

Your Random Kim Bauer Fix

2007-07-02T18:45:00.000-04:00

Sure, her character is annoying, but lying there on a beach, I somehow can ignore those facts . . .

The Seventh Worst Day of Jack Bauer's Life

2007-06-22T10:07:00.001-04:00

Season Six of Jack Bauer & Friends is over and we have to wait until January until Fox craps us out another season, usually we could only sit and ponder what absurd plot lines they will send our way. With the invention of tubes of internets, you have to wait no more.

Amy Vernon over at Remote Access came to me and some other fellow Bauer-natics and asked her to help craft the most awesome season of 24 ever. One that Manny Coto and his crew of monkey writers could not destroy with silent clocks for vegetables. One that brings back Tony. One that gets Jack out of that hellhole in El-Lay and under the bright lights of Broadway. Ladies, we give you Season 7 of 24...our way.

Ford Commercial. Cingular commercial. Preview for crappy Fox reality show. Preview for crappy Fox sitcom. Coke commercial. Preview of the 10:00pm news: Someone got shot in Newark. Cut to black.....Previously on 24

Cast

Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer
Mary Lynn Rajskub as Chloe
James Morrison as Bill Buchanan
William Devane as President James Heller
Dirk Benedict as Addison Curnow, a wealthy oil baron

Flat Stanley as Flat Stan
J ames Cromwell as Philip Bauer
Evan Taylor Ellingson as Josh Bauer
Kim Raver as a still-drain-bamaged Audrey Raines
Mia Kirshner as Mandy
Maury Povich as Maury Povich
Carlos Bernard as Anthony Almeida, Tony’s long-lost identical triplet brother.
Carlos Bernard Papierski (that’s his birth name, deal with it) as Toni Almeida, Tony’s other long-lost identical triplet brother.

The Plot

Worn out from the past few years of terrorist hunting, torturing, being tortured and just having everyone he loves being killed or estranged or in a vegetative state, Jack moves cross country to the Big Apple.

He gets a job doing security on the Maury Povich show, but that’s really a front for his real job — chief of security for wealthy oil baron Addison Curnow. Mandy has been hired to assassinate Curnow by an anonymous person obsessed with The A-Team. This person hates the Faceman for being such a womanizer and has become convinced that Curnow is actually Dirk Benedict.

This person does not care that killing Curnow will wreak havoc in the world oil market because those set to take over Curnow’s company upon his death are OPEC moles who want to destroy the U.S. oil reserves. This would plunge the entire futures market into uncertainty and spike prices far beyond those the average person can afford at the pump.

By day’s end

We find out that Tony Almeida’s long-lost identical triplet brother, Anthony, is actually Josh Bauer’s father, when he, Philip Bauer and Marilyn Bauer sandbag Jack by appearing on Maury’s weekly paternity test shows, trying to prove that Jack is the father. Marilyn forgot about her fling with Anthony, the black sheep of the family. It happened on one drunken night after a Girls Gone Wild: All Grown Up taping that Marilyn participated in 18 years earlier (Season 7 takes place a year after Season 6 ends). Anthony was on a bender in Rio at the time.

The blond hair is a recessive trait in Marilyn’s family; but she always figured Jack was her babydaddy.

The person who hired Mandy turns out to be none other than Martha Logan. (See how I didn’t put her in the opening credits, so you were surprised? Take note, Surnow & Co!) She’s still at loony central, and Aaron Pierce is aware of her having hired Mandy, though he found out after the fact. Given Mandy’s history, he decides to let Martha go ahead with the plot and instead helps Jack track down Mandy and take her “into custody.” They do, and find out the person behind all the bad stuff that’s happened today is Philip Bauer, who wanted to prove he was Josh’s father after all. He also has drugged Martha Logan, causing her to have an irrational fear of ‘80s television shows.

Also on Day 7:
• Toni and Jack decide to start a security consulting firm. No one who’s ever thought about appearing on Maury will ever be taken on as a client. Anyone with a Cubs coffee mug, however, gets half off their usual fee. Anthony tries to sabatoge their efforts, pretending he’s Tony, come back from the dead, to get on the inside. But Jack has his suspicions from the beginning, eventually forcing Anthony to wait on the TKTS line in Times Square and not come back until he has front-row tickets to “Spamalot.”
• Maury is assassinated by Mandy, who just can’t take another episode of “who’s my babydaddy?”
• Heller tells Jack all is forgiven and that he can finally marry Audrey, but Jack tells him he’s come to his senses and wants to go back to Kate Warner, not Heller’s bats**t crazy daughter.
• Bill Buchanan is NYC’s DOT commissioner and works with Chloe in the main control room for NYC’s traffic signals, adjusting them to give Jack clear sailing across town whenever he needs it. Chloe also adjusts subway schedules to ensure a train rolls up every time Jack jets down to a station to chase after a suspect or follow up on a lead.
• She cannot, however, override the need to pay for the train rides. Jack swipes his MetroCard and proceeds into the turnstile. He doesn’t swipe it well enough, so he rams his crotch into the unmoving stile. This causes him to mutter (you guessed it) “dammit.”
• Jack forces random bad dude #23 to drink the cooking water from a hotdog stand. The bad guy knows nothing about the plot against Curnow nor the identity of Josh Bauer’s father, but confesses to having carved his name into his high school desk 10 years earlier.

tck....tck....tck more to come.

Do you have ideas for Jack Bauer Takes Manhattan? Post them in the comments. Please, limit the number of "Jack Bauer crosses the BQE in under 2 hours" comments. We get it.

Season 7 Authors
Amy Vernon
The Jack Sack,
Riding With Rickey
Blogs4Bauer
Glockspeak

Not The Mandy Manilow Was Talking About

2007-06-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

Jack Bauer/Phil Mickelson: Bosom Brother?

2007-06-15T09:42:00.000-04:00

Jack Bauer and Graham Bauer couldn't be the only offspring from Papa Bauer. There is evidence that Philip Bauer had other offspring that could appear in a future very special episode of 24. Could one of these Bauer offspring be none other than legendary golfer Phil Mickelson?

The possible link came to me as I read an article on Phil's resurgence in The Boston Herald. Here's the clip that made the little light above my head go off.

...Funny, isn’t it? Roughly a year ago at this time, after self-destructing on the 18th hole Sunday, Mickelson looked as cracked up as Britney Spears; now he looks mentally tougher than Jack Bauer. Going back to last year, Mickelson played 11 consecutive holes in the U.S. Open at a score of plus-6, and nobody would have blamed him yesterday if he pulled a Paris Hilton and went to pieces....

Is there a connection between Jack Bauer and Phil Mickelson that goes beyond his ability to go from batshit crazy to "mentally tougher than Jack Bauer"? Sure Jack had came back from a nasty heroin addiction and from being dead (twice) to save the world. Phil is showing a little of that Bauer guts he has in him.

However the most compelling evidence are the manboobs. Like receding hair and time-manipulation skills, the manboobs have been passed down the Bauer family tree.

Could Jack Bauer and Phil Mickelson be long lost brothers? The manboobs don't lie.

Dear Tony

2007-06-12T17:26:00.001-04:00

Damnit!

2007-06-12T11:30:00.000-04:00

It's been too long between posts!

Blogs4Bauer's Showcase Showdown

2007-06-07T06:37:00.000-04:00

Background: Blogs4Bauer was taken down by Blogger's "spam-prevention robots" early this week. Spam? We know there's something much more sinister behind this. Over the next few weeks we'll blow the cover on these sinister robots and how Blogs4Bauer defeated them.

Part 1: The Bad Guy

Bob Barker - Terrorist mastermind

"Oh not Bob" you are probably saying right now. He couldn't be a terrorist leader behind the army of Blogger's anti-spam robots. Well he is, trust us. Bob's the leader of what experts call a "spam sleeper cell". He laid low as a game show host for a few years. When the time to strike came, he used the "game show" to broadcast messages to his followers.

During last Friday's show, Bob led an accomplice over to the Plinko board. His attempt to win a new stove was really a call to arms for Bob Barker's army of spade and neutered Spam Robots.

Following Bob's Plinko call-to-arms, Blogs4Bauer was attacked and Bob Barker is leaving the game show he hid behind for so many years. Coincidence? We think not.

Here is the message that we got when we tried to get into Blogs4Bauer. We may have lost the first battle, but the war was just getting started. Bob Barker must be stopped, dammit!

Your blog is locked
Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What's a spam blog?) Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.
We received your unlock request on June 5, 2007. On behalf of the robots, we apologize for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam.
Find out more about how Blogger is fighting spam blogs.

Part 2 will profile one of Bob Barkers Spam Robots.

24 Action Figures

2007-06-07T03:49:00.000-04:00

Now that is cool. I hate to look like I'm plugging the company without even getting anything free, but they can be found here.

Come On, We Dare You

2007-06-06T23:45:00.000-04:00

Shenanigans Afoot!

2007-05-30T21:45:00.000-04:00

This is an outrage! The most dangerous female in the history of this country scores a paltry fourth place in Miss Blogs4Bauer? Unforgivable. It was I who duped Jack Bauer and CTU, not once, but twice! It was I who murdered Jack Bauer's wife Teri - and it wasn't that difficult, either. Does insanity and cold-heartedness mean nothing to you people?

This will not stand. I will seek out Chloe O'Brian, Nadia Yassir, and Kim Bauer. And I will kill them. And their families. From beyond the grave. How is this possible?

Because I am just that damned good.

Chloe - 1st Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer

2007-05-30T09:04:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Chloe O'Brian and her victory over Nadia Yassir in the first annual Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest. We would also like to thank the peanut gallery and the voters who maxed out the number of times they could submit a vote on Mister Poll only to clear their cookies and do it all over again.

Next season we will have the 2nd Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest and open it up to the cast and possibly even some 24 fans out there. Yes, Kate Warner and her sister will be included this time.

In the meantime, let's give it up for Chloe O'Brian! Not only is she hot, she can also read those annoying binary clocks, and shoot a gun. So she's a triple threat.

Click here for the completed bracket.

24 Caption Contest

2007-05-25T12:09:00.001-04:00

Caption this touching moment from the season finale of 24.

Make sure your vote counts for the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship between Nadia and Chloe.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

2007-05-24T11:12:00.000-04:00

We have come down to the season finale of The Carnival of Bauer!!! I'd like to thank all the hosts this season and everyone who submitted posts.

Steve from Magic Lamp recaps Hour 23 and Hour 24 in his comprehensive way. Good job recapping every damn episode this season Steve. Now it's time to put down the keyboard and reconnect with your wife and kids.

The Free Geek lists the Top 10 things Jack Bauer Can't Live Without. However, I think that Jack Bauer's copy of Journey's Greatest Hits should have made the list.

You can add Rickey Henderson to the list of people who thought Soul Patch would make a comeback this season. Sorry buddy, this season proved that the silent clock doesn't mean a thing. Rickey recaps the season finale and gives the show a final report card.

Rocinante's Burdens is new to the Carnival, as Jack Bauer never said "better late than never". Anyway, they post a 14-point recap of the last 3 hours of 24.

Amy Vernon of Remote Access is the MVP of the Season 6 - Carnival of Bauer!!!, she laments the lackluster season ending of 24. Hmm... I would go with banal, pablum, prosaic, maybe even vapid. "Lackluster" makes it seem like there might have been some life in the show prior to the season finale. See you next season Amy.

Speaking of Amy, she also posts something for you Soul Patch lovers out there. It appears that Tony almost came back.

Go check out Wyatt's website, he really needs the traffic. He also lamented the prosaic ending of the season and offers up The Top Ten Better Ways To End Day 6.

Fausta's blog is another 24 addict who looks back fondly on Day 4 with hopes that Day 7 is more like the old days and less like Day 6.

Jeff Kouba from Truth v. The Machine is also a 24 fan. He does another recap and tallies up the kills from this season.

Personally I was glad that Day 6 is finally over. So is King Tom, who notes the promise of the start of the season and the banal ending. Tom leaves us with a good recap and a nice haiku:

Jack’s at a crossroads
Let the next day be better
Audrey don’t wake up.

Says Simpleton likes to think of Season 6 as a glass half-full. While the rest of us are bitching because Jack didn't smash the glass and force Heller to drink the shards, Simpleton looks at the season as part of the whole 24 series. This post is a must read.

Do you want to know what happened in CTU-Denver? Well then The Jack Sack is the place for you. Check out his recap of the first hour of a series of CTU-Denver posts.

The guy behind A SVC Alumnus' Blog spends most of his days voting for Chloe on the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. When he's not voting for Chloe, he's making up holidays for Potato Face. Here is how he spent Chloe Appreciation Day. I had surgery, but still managed to eat some French fries.

Well that's it, the Carnival ofBauer!!! will return in 2008. Now, stay tuned for Fox's newest hit "Are You Faster Than a One-legged Gimp".

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

2007-05-22T15:00:00.000-04:00

The season finale of the Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/24) here at Blogs4Bauer. If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/23).

The Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship

2007-05-22T11:24:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. For weeks we have been working our way to this moment. The first annual Miss Blogs4Bauer championship comes down to one more vote. This time next week, only one 24 hottie will remain.

Previously on MissBlogs4Bauer. After 1,618 votes and 49 comments that veered from the topic and into baseball. Here are the results of the Final Four:

The CTU Office Hottie Matchup

Chloe O'Brian

EXPERIENCE:
CTU – Senior Analyst, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Intelligence Agent, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Internet Protocol Manager, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
BEST BUY - Geek Squad Manager

EXPERTISE:
Has 12,456 friends on Myspace.
Attacks scripts, computer vulnerabilities, intrusion detection, penetration testing, operational security, viruses. Proficiency in Cerberus, Minesweeper, and PlutoPlus.

PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Hacked into Blogs4Bauer and removed Debbie Pendleton then defeated Michelle Dessler and Marilyn Bauer

PERSONAL:
2 months pregnant, the baby already has a 145 IQ

Nadia Yassir

EXPERIENCE:
CTU - Associate Special Agent in Charge, Los Angeles Domestic Unit
CTU – Director of Intelligence, Detroit Domestic Unit
CIA – Senior Intelligence Agent
CIA – Intelligence Agent for Middle East Territories

EXPERTISE:
Fluency in Arabic/never smiles

PATH TO CHAMPIONSHIP:
Defeated Dina Araz and Martha Logan

PERSONAL:
Single and a master of her domain

Who should be Miss Blogs4Bauer?

Nadia Yassir

Chloe O'Brian

Click Here for results

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 05:00 AM and 06:00 AM

2007-05-22T08:35:00.000-04:00

05:00:00 to 05:10:2
Lick Poo informs Zephram Cochrane Bauer that a submarine is en route to pick them up and take them to some weird island with a smoke monster and a giant three-toed statue that was never really explained.

Ricky Stratton, minus one eye, is led away from the beach. "Yarrrrrgh, mateys, this could be a new look for me, says I. Yar."

Al Bundy tries to get the 411 from the CTU Doc, but the Doc just snarls. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not the information desk."

Scooter Fuqya has found the oil platform. They detect life signs, an approaching boat, and traces of Jesus Juice. She informs the vice president that they have located ZCB. The veep's military adviser advises an air strike. "Blast those heathen Chinee and that sick pervert sicko to Hell." "What about the kid?" Weasel Cage asks. "Yeah, he'll probably be blasted to hell, too." says the General. "Me like idea." says president Jim Jones. "Me give authorization." Everyone agrees, air strikes are cool.

Scooter Fuqya relays this message to Jack. Chiggy and Jack acquire a helicopter using the usual technique.

05:14:33 to 05:22:06
Jim Jones gets on the phone with Russian President Subaru. "Me call air strike against oil platform for to blow up secret chip." The Russians confirm that they'll watch the coverage on the 'F-18 Air Strike' channel, and if the oil platform is blowed up real good, they'll call off the attack. "Thank you. You friend. Jim Jones happy now."

Bacardi and Old Grand Dad call Scooter and ask that the intelligence they need to hit the platform be sent to Jack's PDA (of course). Then they figure out how to stealthily fly a helicopter to the oil platform. But Lick Poo turns out to be the bastard son of Radar O'Reilly and hears them approach.

Jack Junior begs ZCB to let him go. "Shut up your pretty bitch mouth and put on the gimp suit," ZCP orders him. Then, Lick Poo, runs up onto the deck with a dozen funky Chinamen from Funky Chinatown. As Lick Poo is setting them up, Jack is chopping them down, shooting from the hip with an assault rifle. Then Jack shoots up some fuel tanks in a maneuver he calls 'Mongolian Barbecue.' He blows through the Chinese like Rosie O'Donnell through a Dim Sum buffet. Chiggy takes Lick Poo into custody and escorts him to the helicopter.

05:26:33 to 05:36:22
Jack Jr is still fighting off ZCB. "Get your hands off me you filthy pervert." ZCB has two words for him, "Ball gag!" But then, Jack Jr. gets a hold of the gun. "Who's the gimp now, bitch!" He caps his grandpa, but doesn't kill him. Then, Jack shows up a little too late, like Clinton in Rwanda. "Son,... I mean, Naphew, lower the gun." Jack Jr lowers the gun and Jack takes him into his strong manly arms. Jack orders him to get to the helicopter. Jack tries to get ZCB to come to the chopper, but ZCB decides he'd rather die as he lived... covered with grease and still hurting from a young boy's rejection.

Jim Jones gives the strike order. Chiggy lifts off in the helicopter, then swings around to pick up Jack. The F-18's loose their missiles just as Jack grabs the helicopter's rope ladder. The oil rig explodes like four male models in a tragic gasoline fight accident.

As they near the beach, Jack lets go of the rope ladder and falls into the sea, but he appears to be all right and he still has his man purse.

'24' stops at this point. The next twenty minutes are actually an episode of 'General Hospital' that somehow got spliced in by mistake.

05:40:45 to 06:00:00
With the oil platform destroyed, and the Russians pull back their troops. Jim Jones laments to Weasel Cage. "Me no want deal with Chinese. Me sleepy." Weasel Cage tells him, "You have to forgive Frau Blucher and Chiggy, or you'll never recover from amnesia or win the respect of your long-lost son and your two-timing traitor of a mistress." Jim Jones agrees.

Al Bundy visits with RPF in the infirmary. "I'm knocked up," RPF says, "It's Jack's." Al Bundy asks, "But how, Jack was in a Chinese prison?" RPF answers, "I saved some hair and nail clippings and had his DNA implanted into one of my eggs." Al Bundy says, "That's like, super-creepy, but I'll help you get through this." "I think I also have amnesia," RPF adds.

Jack Jr and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are reunited and happily begin planning Rocket Romano's funeral. Chiggy turns a bloodied Lick Poo over to CTU custody, but Lick Poo vows "I will have my vengeance on you! Ha-Ha!" Then, Chiggy shakes hands with Scooter Fuqya, but she doesn't remember who he is because she has amnesia.

Jack pays a visit on Penisnose's father so he can give his 'Emmy clip' speech: "You were like a father to me... and you took advantage of it. You said I was cursed. That hurt me inside. But what hurt worse was the way you let me rot in a Chinese prison." Penisnose's daddy shrugs, "Sucks to be you," Jack continues, "Your daughter came to China to get me. She understands commitment. I want my life back." Penisnose's Daddy gives in, "OK, you can have your stupid life back."

Jack enters Penisnose's bedroom and takes her hand. "Hello, it's me. I know I promised to take care of you and protect you, but I'm at a crossroads.So, goodbye." Fortunately, Penisnose is unconscious and can't deliver any dialog. Jack kisses her on the forehead then leaves.

Fade to Black.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 04:00 AM and 05:00 AM

2007-05-22T07:46:00.000-04:00

04:00:00 to 04:15:02
Ricky Stratton explains the situation to Jack Junior, "Our paranoid psychotic vice president has agreed to swap you to your decrepit, mincing pedophile of a grandfather. But no worries. I'm gonna get you back. I'm Ricky Stratton. That's what I do. I act like a a complete asshole, then I redeem myself. Wanna fight about it?"

Jack calls Russet Potato Face, and she fills him in on the details, vis-a-vis turning Jack Junior over to Zephram Cochrane Bauer. Jack remembers all-too-well those late-night visits to his and Rocket Romano's bedrooms. "Dammit, Chloe, we need to stop this." Jack calls Frau Blucher, who tries to talk Weasel Cage into changing the VP's mind. Weasel Cage is no help, protesting "My relationship with the vice president is complicated," meaning he also knows what it's like to hear the door creak in the dark of the night and bite into his pillow, softly sobbing, "Why, daddy, why?"

Back in Cali, the FBI is poring through Chiggy Killer's house, even going through his family albums, which Chiggy objects to: "Hey! Those are personal." FBI agent: "Is that naked guy in the black socks and the rubber mask you?" Chiggy: "None of your business!" Chiggy ignores Frau Blucher when she calls at first, but eventually picks up the phone. "Hey, hon, I know I threw you under the bus, but now you gotta help Jack keep Jack Junior from getting kidnapped by that Old Dirty Bastard." Chiggy wonders what how the Wu-Tang Clan figures into this.

Back on the beach, the aforementioned dirty old pervert calls Ricky Stratton's cell phone. "Turn off the satellite. My mole is telling me everything." CTU turns off the satellite feed, then he orders Ricky to send the chopper away. Zephram Cochrane tells him to wait there and chill, and he'll send somebody, and suggests a cook-out or perhaps a clam bake to help pass the time.

04:19:25 to 04:26:57
Ricky Stratton tells Scooter Fuqya: "When I've confirmed the chip is real, I'm gonna rescue the kid." Scooter tells him to screw the kid, not realizing the irony.

Frau Blucher calls Scooter and gets to track Jack as he's hauled off to CTU's version of Club Gitmo. She passes the info on to Chiggy. Meanwhile, in the clink, Patsy Ramsey Bauer is having an episode and already garroted two CTU security guards. So, Scooter lies to her, then sends in a Heavy Duty Tactical Team to subdue her. Al Bundy calls Ricky to tell him he thinks he's doing the right thing. Ricky replies, "Al, the next time I want your opinion, I'll knock out all your teeth with the butt of my pistol and make you choke them down your throat."

Chiggy runs the SUV with Jack in it off the road. Jack quickly gets one of his guards guns, handcuffs him to the steering wheel, and then cold cocks hims. Then, while Chiggy distracts the other guard with smarmy talk about the Constitution, Jack cold cocks him, too. Then, the new team of Bacardi and Old Grand Dad hop into Chiggy's pick-up as banjo music plays.

04:31:23 to 04:38:02
Bacardi and Old Grand Dad speed toward the rendezvous. About then, Frau Blucher loses her access to the network and Jim Jones's jackbooted thugs haul her away to detention.

Back at the beach, Jack Jr. begs not to be traded to his grandfather. "He likes to smear my naked body with olive oil and Parmesan cheese and dance around me chanting 'When you're here, you're family.'"

"Sucks to be you," Ricky Stratton shrugs.

04:41:25 to 04:48:36
Ricky Stratton gets another call from ZCB. "You got my muscly armed grandson?" "Yes," Ricky tells him. ZCB orders him to move toward the water. ZCB's goons pull up to the beach in a Zodiac-type boat. Ricky Stratton goes out to meet them. The goon hands him the fake circuit board, which explodes in his face. The goons grab Jack Jr and hustle him into the boat just as Bacardi and old Grand Dad reach the beach. Jack calls CTU and lets them know that for something like the 6,000th time, they were wrong again. CTU being only slightly less competent than FEMA.

04:53:02 to 04:59:59
Weasel Cage lets Jim Jones know that he screwed up and lost both the kid and the circuit board. Jim Jones is bereft. "Me bad vice president. Me screw up everything."

Jack remembers that ZCB's Evil company is actually Halliburton, and thus deduces that ZCB must be taking the boy to an oil platform for some "Offshore drilling." Indeed, ZCB is waiting on an oil platform with Lick Poo. He calls out the Chinaman, "You screwed up, but I still think China is my future." "Oh,bitch bitch bitch..." Lick Poo replies.

Back at CTU, RPF passes out to set up an exceedingly obvious plot "twist."

Tick-Tock

2007-05-22T06:09:00.000-04:00

24 - Season Finale - Live Blog

2007-05-21T18:19:00.000-04:00

Viewer discretion is advised

4:00am - Let's get it on....tck...tck...

"we are going to recover you...here's a tracking device"... Young Bauer obviously has never watched 24.

Jack in "temporary custody" which means until the next disaster happens or he busts out.

In Soviet Union, component has you

Jack Bauer riding in the back seat... $40 says he commandeers the vehicle.

Did Doyle just call Josh...Jack?

4:15 Commercial Break

Are you a card member?

Discussion: The Simpsons 24 episode. Funny or not?

4:19am

Josh is Doyle's kid.

There are pissed off Bauer's all over the damn place. "We just used your son as bait, calm down". Patsy has exposed the downfall of CTU, not years of moles and inept security. CTU will be brought down by something far worse than terrorists....lawyers.

Someone owes me $40. When will CTU learn? You cannot detain Jack Bauer, ever.

4:27 - Commercial Break

How much do I like 24? I had surgery this morning and am still woozy from anesthesia.

As sure as finding moles at CTU, Fox's summer lineup is full of duds.

4:31

Who is dat hugging Chloe? House? Ohh, Milo has a brother.

Karen, sort of a mole. How would you classify that one?

"Milo talked about you, I hear you never smile"

Ok, even though it is Milo's brother...with a national security crisis and CTU already being attacked once, why let him in the building? ...and he is gone.

Jack is on the way.... "DAMMIT" - Doyle is learning quick.

4:38 - Commercial Break

I should go ahead and mention that it's almost 45 minutes past the hour, so get your kill counters ready.

Discussion: With the Transformers movie on the way, when is the GoBots movie going to come out?

Did Donkey on that Shrek commercial just say "pussy"?

4:41

Jack and Buchanan = Bacardi and Scotch.

"Take Josh and go to the water...and cut off his arm with that rusty ax"

It's a dingy....

BANG.... The exploding sub circuit board, classic.

Doyle: "The component was a fake it blew"
Jack: "That's what she said"

Agent Reynolds is a hottie.

4:52 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update:

		Nadia (26%)
		Kim (26%)

We have a tie for the second slot.

4:5something, sorry I had to let the dog in.

Something for you to look at while we get spoon fed filler.

Oil platforms owned by Mr. Bauer? MORE BLOOD FOR OIL!!!!

Chloe is down!!!!!

4:59....5:00 - Commercial Break

Hour 24.....More killer, less filler.

5:00am

I think Chloe finally caught a lethal case of carpel tunnel syndrome.

We need a nickname for Chloe's doctor.

Chloe is fine, except that Morris is pissing her off.

Oil platform 6 miles off shore. Does CTU own a navy?

Confederates? Did the south rise again Mr. Lennox?

Let me ask something. If Russia is about to start WWIII...who gives a shit about a snot-nosed little kid?

Jack is going to take the chopper....classic.

5:10 - Commercial Break
Ok, raise your hand if Jack Bauer has NOT pointed a gun at you this season?

Who gives a shit about Josh? So we can risk a war with Russia so we can save that bastard? Nuke them all, let Jack sort them out.

5:14

Jack is racing a pair of F-18s. Jack and Bill's excellent adventure.

Daniels just said "SUBARU"!!

In Soviet Russia, Bombs platform you!

Damn that helicopter is fast.

BANG BANG 1234 5 6 7
6 by gunshot
1 by explosion

Jack Bauer with a gun x 6 (6 points)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)
6 kills-in-1 (12 Points)
Total - 19 points

"You're too rate"

5:20 - Commercial Break

Useless Fox5NY 24 Story - New York to get it's own Jack Bauer. NYC will soon get a CTU-like organization to keep us safe. In other words, we are so screwed.

5:26

BANG 1--2
Jack Bauer with a gun x 2 (2 points)
2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)
Subtotal = 23 Points

SHOOT HIM.....BOOOYA SHOOT HIM AGAIN

Josh get's partial credit for killing gramps.

"We cannot leave without my....dad"

SHOOOOOSH! BANG BOOM BIGGER BOOOM, BANG Boom SHOOSH BANG

In Soviet Russia, state sees what you see

23 1/2? What gives?

Jack is down, again. Never mind he is all right. He just wanted to do some body boarding.

5:36 - Commercial Break

I do not understand? Is Jack going to just walk back?

NY - 6
Boston - 1
6th Inning

5:40

We still have a Chinese sub off the coast of California. However the last 18 minutes are going to be filler. DAMMIT

AHHH Chloe is having a little geek. "That is usually how it works...let's not say anything stupid"

Since Chloe is pregnant, does that mean she is not going to be around next season?

BOWER...I love that guy/stereotype.

"You will never find Jack, let him go"... How many times does 24 end that way?

Here it comes... Jack is your father...

Jack is going to spend the next 1o minutes playing footsie with Audrey's dad? Weakest ending yet. That is saying a lot. There have been some pretty weak endings, Jack walking to Mexico comes to mind. However, Jack swimming and walking to threaten Audrey's dad is pretty l-a-m-e.

Come on Jack, Shoot her. Put us out of our misery.

Good Ending: Nina shooting Teri Bauer
Good Ending: President Palmer getting hit with a virus (silent clock)
Bad Ending: Jack walking to Mexico after faking his death
Awful Ending: Jack playing with his vegetables.

SILENT CLOCK?

WHAT THE HELL? The silent clock is to mark the death of this show. What a pathetic ending. Booooo.

I had farts that held more meaning then the season finale of 24.

"January 2008: The best season yet". Hell, they should have apologized for this season instead.

Cougar Bait Returns Tonight

2007-05-21T16:48:00.001-04:00

Don't forget that tonight is the night Kim Bauer returns, according to Manny Coto.

B4B Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-21T15:02:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: Josh is not your son, he's ours
by: The 1993 Denver Broncos

Face it kid, your mom's a slut.

Chloe Appreciation Day

2007-05-21T07:10:00.000-04:00

SVC Alumnus Blogger wants you to appreciate Chloe today. Check out his post on Chloe O'Brian Appreciation Day to see how you too can appreciate Russet Potato Face today.

I plan on having some tasty French..uhh Freedom Fries this afternoon. I may even throw a vote in her direction in the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer Contest.

Note: This is not to be confused with Jack Bauer Appreciation Day.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Finale

2007-05-20T22:14:00.000-04:00

So the whole season and the fate of the bake sale comes down to if Bart can disarm the stink bomb. Wait, wrong show.

So the whole season and the fate of the world comes down to whether Jack can secure the chip from his father and save his son. Will Tony come back and save the day? Will Josh finally learn the truth about his uncle/dad? Will Jack and his complicated Kill Counter configuration be back for next season?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hours 23-24. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)
nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)
Week 16 (Hour 20): 0 Points
Winners:
Joshua Gross, pickett, randomdan
Week 17 (Hour 21): 15 Points
Winner: None

Week 18 (Hour 22): 19 Points
Winner: Palm Boy (sorry guy)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)
6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg
18. Killed 2 Chinese guys with a gun and one with a gun strap (2 points + 2 points + 6 combo)
19. Killed 3 more Chinese guys with his gun (3 points + 6 combo)

24 Caption Contest

2007-05-18T09:47:00.001-04:00

Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure you make your vote(s) count for the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-05-17T10:38:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Remote Access. Go check it out!

Next week we have a 2 hour Carnival Season Final hosted here at Blogs4Bauer.

JACK BAUER - Speed Painting by Nico Di Mattia

2007-05-17T09:37:00.001-04:00

Check this out.

I did a little speed drawing in Paint. What do you think?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-17T00:28:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: Josh Isn't Your Son, He's Mine
by Larry Birkhead

Let me begin by pointing out that my potency is legendary.

Here's how it was. I hooked up with Marilyn Bauer at the CTU ball about 14 years ago. Now, Marilyn isn't my usual piece of trim. She's not blond, she has an IQ above room temperature, and her boobs, I suspect, were the real deal. But pickin's were slim. It was hit that or hit Karen Hayes.

So, I said to her, "Hey, baby, is your name Visa? 'Cos you are everywhere I wanna be." Then, I spit on her and told her she should get out of those wet clothes. She told me Rocket Romano was having trouble getting off the launch pad and invited me to follow her into the ladies room. I worked her like an illegal immigrant landscaper. She was barking like a dog before you could say, "O-lay."

Granted, it was kind of like tossing a hot dog into the Holland Tunnel, but Ol' Larry got the job done. Then, I wiped off my crank with her panties and told her I'd call her.

Then, I shtupped Karen Hayes.

Nine months later, boom, along came Josh.

How much is Phil Bauer worth, anyway? I mean, selling nukes to terrorists, that's gotta be a pretty nice chunk of change, right. And if he goes down, the money would go to his grandson most likely, right?

Just sayin'... hypothetically.

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-16T13:32:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Josh, I'm really sorry you had to hear about this today, but your father is not Jack Bauer. Your father is not that bald-headed guy who got 12,000 people nuked, he is not the gardener that your mommy used to have. Your father is not a once-promising golfer, who only has 16 PGA Pro wins in a 20 year career and who's a drunk. Who's your daddy? I am. Now get in the helicopter and stop looking so depressed, we have quite a bit to talk about.

There has been a lot of discussion on what I was doing in Denver the past few years. Well Josh, I don't know how to put this - so here goes. I was doing your mom.

Get that scowl off your face, your mother and I met at the CTU Ball around 14 years ago. She was there with Jack; her husband (the guy you assumed was your father) was away on business. John Daly was also there as a guest speaker. Well Josh, during the ball we got a little hammered and the next thing we all know, well... Let's just say that it was a night that your mother, myself, Jack Bauer, George Mason, the bus boy, Edgar Stiles, the bathroom attendant, and John Daly will never forget.

Nine months later, you were born. Son.

I can understand why you would not trust me, epically after what you have been through today. But just look at the photo with my childhood photo. We even wore the same gay sweater/button-up shirt combo. How cute is that?

Well once we get done using you as a pawn to prevent a war with Russia in Central Asia by bartering you to an old geezer who thinks you are his grandson and wants to take you to China in return for a circuit board, I'd like to maybe play catch or take you on in a game of Monopoly. Hell, we can even take ride on my miniature electric train!

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

A Presidential Ticket With Some Firepower

2007-05-16T13:20:00.000-04:00

They've gotta be better than Hillary/Obama, right?

B4B Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

Point: "JACK, GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!"
by John Daly

Look, Jack, I know you have a special Jedi/Padawan relationship with your (ahem) "nephew" Josh. And, as part of my paternity agreement with Marilyn Bauer, I have not interfered in my son Josh's life. (Who knew golfers could land such hot groupies? Everyone on the Tour referred to her as "The Ball Washer.") But, I cannot stand by any longer while you, and the idiots at CTU, play God with Josh's life. GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!

Jack, first you come barging into Josh's home with guns blazing, then torture and kill Josh's adopted father in his own study! What did you think that would do to my son's emotional stability? Cripes, look at me! Don't you think the obsessive-compulsive eating disorder gene has been passed on to my son? Do you want to see him trolling the streets, selling himself for some Clark bars? Because I sure don't!

Then, you transport Josh to the "safety and security" of CTU Headquarters. Are you on the "horse" again? CTU HQ is about as safe as a cold beer in my golf cart. This place gets invaded more often than Paris Hilton's underpants! I almost expected Marilyn's frantic phone call after some Asian assassins stole Josh from your steely grasp. Next time, think before you act. But, then again, thinking has not always been your strong suit.

Finally, you pull off one of your "miracle" saves after eliminating said assassins. Of course, this was after Milo Pressman was shot in the pumpkin. Way to go, hero! You then lose Cheng, the lead to the Russian nuclear schematics, and your self-respect. Well, at least you retrieved my son.

But wait! You had my son safe and secure for about 35 seconds. That's more time than it takes me to finish a 72-ounce steak! The last thing Marilyn told me was that your own co-workers were kidnapping him and dragging him off to his grandfather. You know, the grandfather who's a psychotic sociopath? I heard they are going to trade MY SON for the Russian component!!!

Good work, Jack. Maybe James Heller was right: everyone who gets near you gets dead.

Counterpoint: Who's your Daddy? I am
by Agent Mike Doyle

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Final Four

2007-05-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to the First Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. We have narrowed down the field from a field of 16 down to 4 lovely ladies of 24. Who will go on to the finals, that will be determined by you.

You can throw out your brackets because this is going to be a cat fight.

Below you will find the final four ladies in the contest, you will also find a poll. You can vote for your 2 favorite ladies, the top 2 will go on to the Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship.

Championship potential match-ups
Chloe/Nadia - CTU Office Hottie
Nina/Nadia - Battle of who smiles less
Chloe/Nina - Scowl-a-palooza 2007
Kim/Nadia - Hommina Hommina
Nina/Kim - Payback is a bitch (or two)
Chloe/Kim - Brains against beauty

Which two ladies should move on to the Championship?
Chloe
Nina
Kim
Nadia

Click Here for results

2007-05-15T15:07:00.000-04:00

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 03:00 AM and 04:00 AM

2007-05-15T07:58:00.000-04:00

03:00:00 to 03:08:45
An amber alert is issued for Jack Bauer Jr as Hung Lo's subordinate, Chu Dong, takes the boy out of CTU and into the tunnel. Patsy Ramsey Bauer is so upset she looks like she could strangle a small child. Hung Lo divides the surviving CTU people into two groups, Group A and the Fighting Mongooses. As they are marched into Panic Rooms, Jack sees an opportunity and beats the crap out of a Chinese Guard to get his gun, then starts shootin' up the place like Ryan O'Neal. After killing off most of Hung Lo's men, Jack personally chokes Hung Lo to death, then breaks his neck. He is only prevented from pissing on the corpse when Ricky Stratton shows up and blows down a couple of Chinese pirates himself and announces CTU is secure. Ricky Stratton asks Awana Fuqya if there were any casualties. "Nope, nobody... oh, except Kemper." Then, Awana Fuqya realizes she is bummed about that. Russet Potato Face (Chloe) comforts her. "Let's go make out behind the servers."

03:13:04 to 03:20:52
In the sewers, Bacardi (Jack) and Light Beer (Stratton) chase Chu Dong. In the background, a creepy voice calls out, "Hey-y-y-y-y-y you-u-u-u-u g-u-u-u-u-ys!". Lick Poo is waiting at the end of the tunnel with a cell phone for Jack Junior. Zephram Conchrane Bauer is on the other end. "I'm gonna take you to China," he tells Jack Jr. Jack Jr will have none of it. "A few hours ago you pointed a gun at my head and threatened to kill me." Zephram Cochrane: "Well, you walked in front of the TV during Matlock you muscly-armed little bastard."

Lick Poo orders his men to get Jack Jr in the car and proceed to the rendezvous, explaining that Chinese men have small penises and Lick Poo is afraid of Jack's large American penis. But Bacardi and Light Beer show up in time to shoot out the tires in Lick Poo's SUV. Lick Poo grabs Jack Jr and makes a run for it. Jack chases them to the roof where Jack Jr gets away from Lick Poo. Jack corners Lick Poo on a catwalk, but Jack Junior is hanging on for dear life below him. Jack rescues the boy, but Lick Poo escapes. Jack Jr tells his "uncle" what his grand-dad's plan was: "He said he was going to take me to China. or maybe it was Bahrain. But I don't want to live with grandpa, he makes me do push-ups in my underwear while he watches gladiator movies." Jack promises he'll never let that happen. (Snicker.)

03:25:14 to 03:35:17
Back in DC, Weasel Cage watches on Daniel Jackson's WebCam as the Russian spy slams the salami into Ann Coulter. "That's it! Slam it home for ol' Johnny!" he exclaims. When they finish, she excuses herself. "I need to purge. I touched a molecule of food earlier." Daniel Jackson makes ready to send her emails to the Russians, but then he doesn't. When she comes out of the bathroom, he goes from Daniel Jackson to Jackson Browne and starts beating on her like Darryl Hannah. Weasel Cage and some secret service guys bust in and pull DJ off her. Weasel gives him a choice, send the phony documents or die... eventually... after 20 or 30 years of appeals.

Lick Poo calls Zephram Cochrane and informs him that he failed to acquire his grandson. Bauer curses him out in his native language. "No glandson, no chippee! You savvy?" Lick Poo protests, "I lost many men trying to get your grandson." Zephram Cochrane is unimpressed. "Like you don't have a billion more."

03:39:43 to 03:50:12
Some middle-aged dorks from the CTU CYA Department show up to begin the process of blaming everything that went wrong on Awana Fuqya, whose new nickname is "Scooter." Fuqya is still bummed about Kemper being all dead and stuff. Al Bundy tries to comforts her. Then, she and Chloe make out behind the servers.

Weasel Cage calls JJ, lets him know the fake emails have been emailed to the Russians, and, oh yeah, Ann Coulter suffered a severe loss of oxygen to the brain. How bad is it? JJ wants to know. Really bad, Weasel Cage tells him, "Michael Schaivo and Jack Kevorkian just showed up with a lawyer and a rubber pillow."

JJ calls President Subaru, and tries to fake out the Russian president. But, President Subaru was so paranoid he was spying on his own spy, and knows that the documentation provided by Dan Rather, I mean, Daniel Jackson, was fake. Subaru gives JJ two hours to prove the chip was destroyed, or he'll strike the American military base.

03:54:55 to 03:59:59
Weasel Cage gets a mysterious phone call and takes JJ and Frau Blucher out of the Oval Office. The call is from Zephram Cochrane Bauer. He offers JJ a deal: "I want my grandson and clear passage to the country of my choice, a mickey mouse outfit, some handcuffs, a pair of slim-cut buttless leather chaps, and some popsicles. Mmmm, popsicles." JJ says he'll think about it.Frau Blucher is appalled, but Weasel Cage is ready to sell Jack Jr's ass to save his own. He calls CTU.

Jack is escorting Jack Jr to "safety" when he once again falls for the "there's a call for you Mr. Bauer" distraction. Jack picks up the phone and as he is in the middle of explaining that he doesn't have Prince Albert in the can, Ricky Stratton grabs Jack Junior and loads him into a helicopter while a bunch of CTU goons hold Jack back.

Tick-Tock

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-05-14T22:52:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/17). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/16).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Remote Access. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Liveblogging 3-4am

2007-05-14T20:22:00.000-04:00

If Jack Bauer was on HEROs what would his power be? Discuss.

Remember, I did not see 24 last week so some of these subplots are new to me.

The following WILL take place between 3-4AM
-Jack will kick some ass - Check
-Jack will find out Josh is his son.

3:05AM - CTU erupts in gunfire. The producers of 24 look at their watches and wonder why there is action 40 minutes earlier than usual.

Jack with a gun (x2)
Jack with the strap of a gun. (2 Points)

Commercial Break
Jack Bauer on The Simpsons next week!

3:14AM
-Worst grandparent ever. "Imagine how much Sesame Chicken we can eat"

More shooting, is this 24?

Jack with a gun ~~(x2)~~
(x3)

It's over Chang, Jack means it Dammit.

For all that Jack Bauer does, you would think he would have some kids that don't need a nanny just to avoid mountain lions and such.

Question, are we counting this as the same combo or a new one?
-This is a new combo. I need to take off my shoes to count all the bodies.

3:20 - Commercial Break
I need a smoke break, this 24 is intense. Espically since I didn't see last week's episode and I don't smoke.

More on The Simpsons

Sunday night, May 20th, the Simpsons will air their 400th and season finale
episode. Called “24 Minutes”, this event will be done in 24 style complete with
multi frames and nerve-wracking ticking. Guest stars Kiefer Sutherland and Mary
Lynn Rajskub will play their Monday night alter egos, Jack Bauer and Chloe
O’Brian.

3:33AM

I guess Lisa Miller's boy toy lasts longer the second time around. Now he needs to diddle on her PDA.

Back to Zephram, don't you think Jack Bauer Jr. would stand out a bit in China...being blonde and all?

Miller's boy toy has some strange pillow talk. He's like you are lying...she's like ok 'you have a small penis'. He's like "oh snap".

Weasel is like "Let's call an ambulance...but make them wait awhile...I want to uhhhh debrief Ms. Miller....alone".

Mr. BOWER!!! Hooked on Phonics wants their product back Mr. Chang...

3:35 - Commercial Break

Miss Blogs4Bauer update
Chloe (52%)
Marilyn Bauer (48%)
The Final Four will air this week with the final matchup coming next week.

24 may be over next week, but Fox has plenty of crap for you to watch until Prison Break returns

3:39AM

"Yassir" "Yes Sir"

VtheK needs a nickname for this Division Tool. How about "Buggers"? Morris sucks at mocking people.

My wife is watching the series finale of King of Queens...the main couple (I guess the King and Queen of Queens) got divorced. Sorry for the spoiler.

Daniels - "What were you doing while this was going on"
Tom - "Probably cleaning off the keyboard, sir"

The subcircuit board is still missing, I guess we can guess what Jack will be doing for the next 2 hours.

Here it comes: Jack is your father

Lawhawk - Hmmm.. a nickname for the division guy?
Bob Slidell... because he's into tps reports.

President Suburu is a real jerk. What is it with the Russians these days? First PootiPoot and now Suburu.

2 Hours to meet the deadline! It is a good thing Jack has 2 hours left in the day otherwise we'd be screwed.

Commercial Break
Diet Pepsi 90210 commercial = lame. Jack Bauer would totally win the staring contest with the asian kid....he'd make the kid's eyes bleed. Oral B....Olive Garden - the Taco Bell of Italian food...House has a hard case to crack....Acura tunes organs from their cars and offers 1.9% APR...Panasonic for people who are clumsy....NY Lottery - for suckers....SAAB made from crappy Cold War era jets...
Fox5NY Useless 24 Story - THERE IS NO USELESS STORY TONIGHT!!!

3:54

What did Daniels just say?

Philip Bauer is on the phone
-What is it?
It is a telecommunications device that connects people, but that is not important right now.

Philip Bauer has made more deals today than Jerry Maguire.

Uncle Jack....Uncle Jack....Son....Son.....Doyle....JOSH.....

3:59....4:00

Awards for this episode:
-TOP 5 Episode of 24
-Earliest Kill by Jack Bauer
-First Kill by Morris
-Worst commercial (Pepsi)

Next Week: Explosions, Jack, Josh...Man it will be a doozy.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 18

2007-05-14T12:07:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Big thanks goes out tbRight&Early for jumping in and hosting last week's fiesta. I did not get to watch last week's episode, I had a funeral to attend and we don't have TiVO. Apparently the whole season of 24 has sucked and last week was the best episode ever. Dammit.

This week it looks like Jack Bauer Jr. is in trouble and Jack is going to rescue one of his siblings, again. Wouldn't you love to read some of the Father's Day cards at the Bauer household?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 21. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +8 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
17. Killed 5 more guys (5 points +10 combo) - compiled by Steveggg

An Important Message From Beyond The Grave

2007-05-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hello, I'm Milo Pressman. You may remember me as the greatest hero in CTU history, and I am now communicating with you from beyond the grave. Booooooooooooo! Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But I did mean to set the record straight on a few things before I can rest in peace.

First of all, I demand that my photo be placed in the CTU Hall of Fame, post haste! Not only did I foil the multiple gunmen earlier today who were trying to kill Marilyn Bauer- when Jack Friggin' Bauer was no where to be seen - but I also took a bullet to the noggin protecting millions and millions of innocents. I'm a God-damned hero. Treat me like one.

Secondly, where is the outrage at my untimely death? I get shot in the pumpkin and after a few gasps, everyone goes about their business? WTF? Don't give me that, "Some Asian jerkass is pointing an automatic weapon at me" nonsense. You people should be in mourning. Every able-bodied CTU employee should sacrifice their lives trying to avenge me. I am your leader. You are my people. And yet, it appears that "my people" are a bunch of pussies. I sure am glad I died for all of you.

And finally, even though every one of them wanted me, what's the deal with the women at CTU? It is obvious that I am the most eligible bachelor roaming these sterilized hallways, and yet I score less often than a certain Philadelphia blogger! Chloe used and abused me, then went rushing to that human cue ball Morris. Audrey Raines said she'd call me right before she went to Japan, and Michelle Dessler was about to consummate our undying love only minutes before she was incinerated outside her residence. I mean, what the hell?!! This is not how you treat a legend!!!

By the way, for the record, I was the greatest lover either Chloe or Nadia ever had. Peace out!

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 5

2007-05-11T14:49:00.000-04:00

HA-HA I am not Frat Stanrey! I am Frat Lee and I am mole in CTU. You are now my prisoners and no won can stop me! Ha-Ha! Freel my rath. No not rash, rath. No I don't have rats, IT's RRRAAATTHH. Erough of this, who is leader of CTU? Morris? Chloe? Black guy? Ah it's Miro, my favorite.
BANG
No ron can stop Frat Lee Ha-Ha. No Ron..... Ha-Ha.

24 POINT/COUNTERPOINT

2007-05-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

Just because I died and became a brain-eating zombie doesn't make me your bitch, Milo.

You know, I didn’t ask to die. I liked my job— they always had donuts and muffins in the lunchroom. I also remember seeing Marianne Taylor’s bra strap once. It was purple. But here you are, making a big stink about your not getting the silent clock treatment. Well, the rumor around the graveyard is that you asked to be killed off. Geez, the least you could have done was become a mole or something. Standing up to protect a woman that wasn’t even attracted to you… well, wait a minute; I’ve done that too. But the point is that you tried to deny your inner geek, you ignored your BRAINNNNSS and now you’re dead.

If I was there when that Chinese bounty hunter asked, “who’s in charge?” I don’t think he’d believe me if I said “Yo, Ping, right here!” See, that’s the advantage of accepting your inner geek. I tried the hair gel thing back in the early 90’s. I looked like a greased-up silverback gorilla. But when I stopped trying to be cool and accepted myself for who I was, I was finally happy. And then the terrorists killed my mom with that nuclear reactor meltdown and I was sad again, but then Chloe talked to me about shooting one of the terrorists and I felt happy again. But Milo, you had to try and break free of the geek club. You had to go after the hottest woman in the office. And look what happened? You got all screwed-up and jealous of some other guy and you broke up with the girl before you even got together! And now you’re just a dead guy with a pimp moustache.

No silent clock for you, loser. Now let me eat that fresh BRAINNNNN of yours!

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

24 Caption Contest

2007-05-11T10:17:00.000-04:00

Caption Milo's last mistake.

Make sure you vote in the final semifinal match of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest that has Chloe taking on Marilyn Bauer.

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-10T16:28:00.000-04:00

Point: Where's my silent clock?
by Milo Pressman

Teri Bauer, Edgar Stiles, George Mason, David Palmer, and Ryan Chappelle. What do I NOT have in common with these people? These unimportant people all got silent clocks. I got shot twice today and all I got was this lousy CTU t-shirt. Where's my silent clock?

Let's review, I got shot in the freaking head defending CTU from Chinese terrorists. Bald headed mofo Ryan Chappelle got shot in the head by Jack Bauer. He got a silent clock. I didn't.

Teri Bauer gave birth to Kim Bauer, I'll give her that. But, she sure didn't keep Jack happy, just ask Marilyn and her love child, Josh. She got a silent clock, I didn't.

George Mason flew an airplane into the ground. Come on! It's called gravity, you shouldn't get a silent clock just for not flying. Plus he turned CTU over to Tony, a crackhead. Mason got a silent clock, I didn't.

Edgar Stiles. Enough said. Fat boy got a silent clock that weighed 200 pounds, I didn't.

David Palmer got one....AND HE WASN'T EVEN DEAD! Palmer got a silent clock and returned the next season, I didn't and won't.

It seems like the committee who gives out silent clocks may question where I was for the past seven years. Sure I was at CTU-LA for Day One only to disappear until Day Six, I was transferred to CTU-Denver. You know what happened in Denver, nothing. Denver was really, really boring. The most excitement we had was when Doyle got drunk at a Broncos game and called in a bomb threat.

Excuses are like tactical teams, everyone has one to spare. The facts are that I died protecting CTU. I took a bullet for Marilyn Bauer. I got Nadia to smile. And I deserve a silent clock.

Counterpoint: BRAINNNNS!!!
by Zombie Edgar Stiles

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-10T15:11:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: Sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.
by Jim Haplert

Don't worry folks, Dwight Schrute will not be heading up your local CTU office. I will be the first to admit that Dwight took things a bit far by declaring war on Great Britain, but I will also be the first to admit not being surprised. I hate to brag but sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.

Now I probably should have let Dwight in on the prank, but thinking about Dwight storming into CTU and telling everyone his theory that the Brits are behind all of our problems. Dwight about to do something very bold. Bold...is that the right word?

Now sending faxes to Dwight from "future Dwight" was pretty funny. Weighing down his phone with nickels was pretty funny too. Having the office call him "Dwayne" all day was good. However, sending him an application for CTU and then calling him as "Special Agent Lee Castle" inviting him to CTU Training Camp located behind the K-Mart in Scranton was the icing on the cake. A literal Schrute cake.

Now excuse me, Agent Castle has to make a phone call.

Castle: Dwight, there was a mole in CTU! Your cover is blown and the British are onto you.....I don't care if you think you can take them all....I don't care if you have a set of nunchucks....or throwing stars....We need you to strip down to your underwear and enter the K-mart. Once inside, tell the greeter...

Sorry, this might take awhile. What should I tell him to do?

Point: Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.
by - Dwight Schrute

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-05-10T14:44:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Tommy Lawyer. Go check it out!

Next week the carnival returns to Remote Access. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Miss Blogs4Bauer Semifinals

2007-05-10T13:44:00.001-04:00

Welcome back, I am William Shatner and this is the world famous Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. The contest is nearing the finish line and only a few broads remain. With only a few weeks left to go, who will be Miss Blogs4Bauer?

Last week, Nadia Yassir cut through Martha Logan like a hot scimitar through a cold infidel. Not even a handful of happy pills could pull Martha through that mess. This week we have our final semifinal match with Chloe facing off with Marlyn Bauer.

In Round 1, Chloe downloaded Michelle Dessler in the token division 52%-48% with 1,591 votes cast. Here is what a few of you wrote about RPF:
SVC Alumnus Blogger - I voted for Chloe because I'd like a date with the most gorgeous woman to be on television who knows how to use not just a computer, but a gun

The rest of the 32 comments were a mix of insults and accusations of fraud that made Chloe scowl. There was also a comparison to the 2003 NJ Senate election of Skeletor.

Marilyn Bauer had a cakewalk in Round 1, easily beating Jenny McGill 87% - 13%. Here is what a few of you had to say about the future Ms. Bauer:
Steveggg - Jack just called; he says that if a crackhead makes it to round 2 over the mother of his son, he'll fly the next nuke direct to those responsible, and this time it will explode, dammit.
Lou - This isn't even a contest. I suppose if you've got some sort of drug addict hobbit sister fetish...
Yankz - Samwise's sister looks exactly like Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction.

Next week we will host the Final Four of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

Click Here for an updated bracket.

Who moves on to the Final Four?

Chloe

Marilyn Bauer

Click Here for results

2007-05-10T12:02:00.000-04:00

Today is "Jack Bauer Appreciation Day"

2007-05-09T08:48:00.000-04:00

Today, May 9, 2007, is "Jack Bauer Appreciation Day" or "JBAD" for all you cool kids. Like other holidays ("Talk Like Jack Bauer Day", "Break Up With Your Girlfriend Like Jack Bauer Day"), there are some core traditions attached to JBAD, and they are as follows:

1) Give somebody your word. When Jack gives you his word, he's forging an iron-clad bond with you. When you live up to your obligations, you're inching closer to being like Jack.

2) Commandeer a vehicle. This one is always a good time. Let's say you're walking out of Dunkin' Donuts and you realize your car is on the other side of the parking lot. "DAMMIT!" you say to yourself. But right in front of you is some insurance salesman in his brand-spanking new Jeep Liberty. Perfect. Approach the man, announce yourself briefly and inform him that you are commandeering his vehicle. To help sell the urgency of this moment, mutter "I don't have time for this" to yourself, but loud enough for the person to hear. And if you have your hands free at the moment, push the person down to the ground in a firm yet gentle manner. This shows that you're all business, but you're not a sadist.

3) Whisper. Man, I gotta tell ya, when I'm sitting in my office and I hear Emily over the cubicle partition yapping away about some sort of silliness, I feel the Bauer inside me start to rage. Most people do not know how to use their voice effectively. But not Jack. Oh no, he is the master. When Jack is emphatic, he starts to express himself in an urgent yet dignified whisper. So, when you're on the phone with Jill from accounting and she's telling you there is no time in the day to get a budget estimate out on that last-minute project, you better start that whispering, pal. "Jill, if I don't get that estimate before the end of the day people are going to die, do you understand me?" Also, inform Jill that you are a federal agent, and give her your word for good measure (see #1 above).

4) Scream. So, now you've gotten the whispering in and you've drawn people into your sphere of influence. But wait, they're not moving fast enough in following your instructions. Well, that's the moment when you put aside the whispering and start screaming like your pants are on fire. Obviously, you need to start it off with "DAMMIT!" as that is what cuts through all the bullshit of the moment. From there you have to reiterate your instructions with gusto-- "DAMMIT JILL, I NEED THOSE BUDGET ESTIMATES NOW!" Sure, she'll be a little flustered, she may even cry a little, but the only thing poor Jill wants more than a Valium is to get those budget estimates done so you'll stop yelling at her.

5) Don't eat Chinese food today. This one is tough for me personally, because I could eat Chinese food everyday if... ya know, what am I saying? This one isn't that tough at all. Well, anyway, the Chinese government tortured Jack for 18 months (boo!) and they broke Audrey 's brain (yay!) but they stole a vital computer chip that has the Russians crapping their pants (boo!) but they drive American vehicles (yay!). I go back and forth on the Chinese. But because of the whole 18 months of hell that Jack had to endure, I think it makes sense to skip the spare ribs and egg rolls for at least today. Well, if you really wanted to honor Jack, you'd skip ALL food for the day, as he never gets a chance to eat. But that's for the more orthodox followers of Jack Bauer. For the rest of you people, have a taco instead.

Okay, that's JBAD in a nutshell. Sure, it's similar to those other Bauer holidays, but that's just more fun for the rest of us, right? Now go forth and spread the goodness. With these five easy steps, Bauer will be honored properly.

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 am and 3:00 am

2007-05-08T09:54:00.000-04:00

02:00:00 to 02:09:03
The words "Everything you touch turns up dead," echo in Jack Bauer's ears as he waits in the bleak CTU holding cell. "By the way," SecDef Heller adds, "Hillary wants to know if you'd like to shake hands with Barack Obama." Jack stews silently in his shame and disgrace, but at least he got to go the bathroom.

Awana Fuqya appears in the holding cell. "Ricky Stratton is leading a Tactical Team into the ~~Bloomfield Copper Factory~~ Dragon Lair. But you can't go, because you have disgraced yourself, and brought dishonor to your family." Jack asks if he could at least make himself useful by sticking around CTU and making coffee for everybody. Awana Fuqya agrees to ask the new CTU head when he gets there.

In CTU ops: Al Bundy: "Bicker. Bicker. Bicker." RPF: "Bicker. Bicker. Shut your pie hole, Shoe Boy!" Al Bundy: "Bicker."

Awana Fuqya addresses Ricky Stratton's tactical team: "I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you. Make it so. Let's be careful out there. And so forth."

Meanwhile, in parallel scene, Lick Poo gives a pep talk to his own men, his lips moving out of synch with his dialog: "You Will be the Fist of the Dragon to carry out my evil plan. Ha-Ha."
Sum Yung Guy asks, "What is your evil plan, master?"
Lick Poo; "It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many... people... who are good. I think it's great that it's so bad. Ha-Ha!"

02:13:28 to 02:23:56
Jack Junior and Patsy Ramsey Bauer are watching the news. Jack Junior is despondent. "12,000 dead because of what dad did." Patsy: "But Jack wasn't respons... I mean, don't take it so hard." RPF watches creepily through the window. (Go for it Josh, she's vulnerable.) RPF then tells Patsy that Penisnose is alive, but has the IQ of warm yogurt.

In DC, Weasel Cage presses Ann Coulter to call Daniel Jackson: "OK, we got Dan Rather to forge some memos showing the chip was destroyed. You pass them to Daniel, and he'll pass them to the Ori... I mean the Russians."

Patsy Ransey Bauer visits Jack in the cell. "Sorry I told you Penisnose was dead. So, y'wanna go out for soup or something?" Then Chloe drops in to tell him Ricky Stratton is leading the attack on Lick Poo's Secret Dragon Lair. Jack gets visited by more hot babes in jail than Scott Peterson.

Ricky Stratton and his tactical team prepare to move into the ~~Bloomfield Copper Factory~~ Dragon Lair. They blow open the door and find it empty of course. "Look at these empty boxes, assault weapons, C-4, stun grenades, ... this is an arsenal." "Duh." Ricky Stratton calls CTU: "It looks like the Chinese are either preparing a major assault or planning to host the Source Awards."

Lick Poo's men drop into the sewer led by a vicious bastard with a moustache called 'Hung Lo."
Lick Poo: "Dragon Fist! Prepare to Assault CTU. Ha-Ha!"
Hung Lo: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I'm getting wet. Ha-ha!"

02:28:22 to 02:35:07
As the Dragon Fist prepares to storm CTU from below, CTU attends to business: Al Bundy: "Bicker" RPF: "Bicker Bicker" Al Bundy: "Bicker Bicker Bicker" RPF: "Apology" Al Bundy: "Sappy Platitude" RPF: "Bicker" Al Bundy: "I am never wrong. Just ask Griff."

Back in DC, Ann Coulter meets Daniel at the door and kisses him with feverish tentativeness. Daniel Jackson is suspicious; "Hey baby, you seem tense, and I don't got money for the pizza. How 'bout we work this out?" Ann Coulter: "Oh, you big stud. Me so horny, but first, can I take a shower?" Daniel Jackson protests: "Nah, I like it sweaty and dirty. I wanna strap you to the bed and rub Ragu sapghetti sauce all over you." Weasel Cage listens in to the entire exchange in the back of his limo. "Scuse me, guys... um, I need some privacy for ... um, a few minutes."

Wakka chikka wakka chikka

02:39:32 to 02:45:48
Dragon Fist Army blows open the the underground entrance to CTU while Sum Yung Guy hacks their system. CTU soon devolves into confusion with their technology in major disarray. Al Bundy and RPF are so concerned, they almost forget to bicker.

Hung Lo and the Dragon Fist Army blow away some guards: "You will be dead now. Ha-ha!"

Jack hears the commotion and demands to be let out of his cell. He screams at his guard, "I need to get to the civilians in the lounge. I'm gonna ned a weapon" BUDDA! BUDDA! "Thank you."

Jack shoots a couple of the Dragon Fist army with the dead guard's gun, and then wastes another one comin' down the stairs, which supplies him with a much bigger gun.

Hung Lo and his Dragon Fist Army have taken over the CTU Ops Center. Hung Lo demands to know who is in charge. To protect Awana Fuqya, Kemper claims he is. Hung Lo shoots him

Spoiling the moment entirely, Fox cuts immediately to the cheery "Downtown" commercial.

02:50:14 to 02:59:59
CTU is easily subdued and cowering like the petals of an orchid flower. Ha-Ha!

The Dragon Fist Army hits the lounge and tries to take Patsy and Jack Junior. They don't get very far before Jack Senior shows up and blows them away with his big borrowed gun. Jack Junior escapes through the fan and into the air duct, but the Dragon Fist Army is right behind them and Jack is out of ammo. Jack and Patsy are captured.

Lick Poo screams into his cell phone like Michael Jackson: "Get the boy back. I don't care what you have to do."

Meanwhile, Hung Lo has another problem: "Some guy named Ricky Stratton keeps calling." He puts Awana Fuqya on the phone: "If you try to warn him, I will kill everyone here, starting with you."

Ricky Stratton: "I've been trying to call you guys. What gives?"
Fuqya: "Everybody's on a break. In fact, I'm on a break. Can I call you back?"

Hung Lo gets on the PA system: "Ha-Ha! Boy child of my master's enemy. You will surrender or I will kill your mother. Ha-Ha!" Josh surrenders, the Dragon Fist Army grabs him, and it turns out this was all Zephram Cochrane Bauer's idea, who agreed to fix the chip in return for Lick Poo using the Dragon Fist army to kidnap Jack Junior. Fortunately, Lick Poo has his Dragon Fist Army standing by, even at 2:00 in the morning, for just such a circumstance. Now, Zephram Conchrane intends to take Jack Junior to his mountain fortress in China, where he will learn the ways of the Ninja.

Tick-Tock

Live Blogging: 2:00am to 3:00am

2007-05-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

bRight&Early stepping up to the plate. Please add lots of interesting comments. Other B4B staff, feel free to jump in!

I can live blog better if I didn't have a 2year old to change.

Are you sure they can execute the operation. The only thing they've done before now is deliver takeout.

This part I can do.

2:13 Love Child returns.

Lily Rowan (aka Ann Coulter) looking for another quickie?

I'd like to bring Your S.., er, Josh, by to see you before we go.

This is not going to end well for the CTU team.

Egg Drop terrorists.

I got your takeout Mr. Bauer.

No more chinese food references. I haven't had supper.

2:28 RPF works on auto-pilot, even with a broken heart.

Lily Rowan: I'm screwing the VP and the Breck Girl. I was willing to commit purjury. I almost caused durkdurkastan to get nuked. But now I'm scared.

One Track Pony.

GO TO SLEEP!!

(Oh, wait. That wasn't for all of you.)

2:39 Milo strikes out with Chloe, strikes out with Aywana. Wanna go for Patsy Ramsey next?

I think we found the Chinese.

1

2,3

Strike three, Milo

2:50 Was that three more?

We want the golden child!

Aywana Fugya - Come on down! You're the next contestant on the Kill Counter Climbs.

Let's see those Bauer genes kick in.

No. Not those Bauer genes. Philip, what are you up to now?

3:00am

Thanks for hanging out while I provided this highly-distracted rookie liveblogging. At least the kill counter headed in the right direction. I'm betting it goes even higher next week.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 17

2007-05-07T20:42:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day. Image not updated>>>

bRight&Early jumping in here to post this week Challenge.

Last week was all about the Intense Whisper. Will this week be about the massive kill count? We'll see in a few minutes.

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)

24 Caption Contest

2007-05-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

Caption this uncomfortable scene from the last 24.

If you want to avenge President Logan or if you like chicks who don't dig smiling, make sure you vote in the Nadia Yassir - Martha Logan Miss Blogs4Bauer match up.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-05-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at TruthvsMachine . Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to Tommy Lawyer. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-05-02T10:04:00.000-04:00

Point: Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.
by - Dwight Schrute

As head of a CTU tactical team one needs to be quick like a panther, fearless like a ninja, and smart like a Hobbit. Having watched every episode of 24 and Battlestar Galactica, I have analyzed Jack Bauer's decisions this season and found them questionable at best. Who would do a better job than Jack Bauer? Well Dwight Schrute comes to mind. Jack should not let feelings get in the way of killing people. Give me a gun, I will not.

Question: what is the key problem facing America? No, it's not if Audrey will snap out of it and lead us to the Chinese. The key problem facing America are British people, like Morris O'Brian. It's a fact that the British are still upset about losing the War of 1812 and are looking for a little revenge. As Jack Bauer's replacement, I would root out anyone who supports the queen...or people who have really bad teeth. I'm unequally qualified for this task since my grandfather fought the British, it's a Schrute family tradition.

Blood alone moves the wheels of history!!! As head of a CTU Tactical Team, I would spill the blood of the English and dip my fingers in their entrails. Why their entrails? Because the brains are too hard to get at without the proper implements. I would also rip out their eyes so they cannot see me sneak up on them in the afterlife. That is, if we had enough time. So it would be entrails first, then eyes, and if we had time...their tonsils.

Currently Jack Bauer is having personal problems because his lady friend, Audrey. Or as I like to call her "big ear lady". Audrey is causing Jack to slip and become one of them. By "one of them", I mean British. It's a fact that Audrey was married to a Brit and even being around a British person makes you more like them. Case and point: Madonna moves to England and develops a British accent almost immediately, that is how they work. Fancy a Guinness you mole?

What can be done to turn back the British Invasion? Well CTU needs to team me up with Doyle. Agent Doyle and Special Agent Schrute would make a great team. No, we'd make an awesome team. We'd be like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Doyle would be like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Got it fish-n-chips? Good.

A hero kills people - people that wish us harm. British people. Jack Bauer has proven that he's not a hero. Give me the proper arsenal and I will be the aforementioned hero and right the wrong that must be avenged. Then with Morris out of the way, Chloe will be all mine.

Counterpoint: Sending Dwight an application from CTU was pretty funny.
by Jim Haplert

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

2007-05-01T13:35:00.000-04:00

William Shatner here to tell you about a exciting contest we have going on here. It's the the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. We have narrowed down the field and are coming to the end.

Last week, Nina Myers moved on to the next round by killing off Teri Bauer. Not to worry, we have placed Jack Bauer in Holding Cell 3 until the contest is over.

For round 2 we will have a Q&A Session with each of the ladies and then let you vote on who should stay and who should go.

In Round 1, Nadia Yassir took care of Dina Araz in the token division 70%-30%. Here is what a few of you wrote about Nadia Yassir:
pickett - I believe that Nadia is the first character in the show to be explicitly named as a Republican. That's enough for me.
Adam - Nadia probably stores her socks in Zip lock bags. She's hot as a junebug in July, but she's been completely without any sexual tension whatsoever. Mandy will eat Nadia alive.
steveggg - Why couldn't this match up have waited until next week, when we figure out who the mole's scapegoat is?

Martha Logan proved herself a few kiwis short of a bushel, however she had advanced with a 52%-48% win over Evelyn Martin:
trench - This is like asking if I want to be shot in the head or the sac.
bob - Krazy Lady with a Knife.
Yankz - This one's a horse race so far. I can't fathom why people would vote for a woman who had Charles Logan inside her.

The winner of this match up will join Nina Myer, Kim, and one more lady in the Final Four . Click Here for an updated bracket.

Now let's get to the Q&A session.

Shatner: Nadia, the audience would like to know why you never smile.
Nadia Yassir: Well Shatner, I'm a Republican Muslim living in LA. Does that answer your question?

Shatner: Martha, what would you say is your favorite moment of 24 this season?
Martha Logan: I enjoyed watching Jack kill all those terrorists and...
Shatner: And?
Martha: What, are you mocking me?
Shatner: No Martha.
Martha: Oh, now you're just trying to irritate me, aren't you? I'm not crazy!
Shatner: Let's just end this Q&A and let you get some rest. Put down the knife Martha...

Which one of these ladies will reach the next round? That is for you to decide.

Who will move on to the Final Four

Nadia Yassir

Martha Logan

Click Here for results

TivoBlogging: Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM, The Following Does.

2007-05-01T11:01:00.000-04:00

With Guest Blogger: Master Yoda

01:00:00 to 01:12:46
Ricky Stratton the CTU Tac Team assures, "All the C4, you have. Clean the building is." Then, PenisNose, he comforts. Ricky Stratton: "Safe you are. Anything that to Lick Poo could lead us, did you hear?"
Penisnose: "I like mittens."
Qualified to be Speaker of the House, she is. Hm?

Ricky Stratton then Jack Bauer to CTU defends: "His fault the Heathen Chinee have the chip, it isn't. Blown this house like Monica Lewinsky on Spring Break, he would have. Failed him, I did."

Fuqya Awana having none of it, she is. Insists that Jack to the CTU be brought. Al Bundy's request for transfer, she denies. "Indulge your personal melodrama, I will not. Keep your personal life to yourself, you will. Tomorrow, better you will feel, hm?"

In DC, Jim Jones tp Frau Blucher a comforting glass of Kool-Aid offers: "Had to fire your husband from CTU, a bummer it is. Appreciate your sacrifice, I do."
Then, by Weasel Cage, they are informed: Subaru about the stolen nuclear arming chip knows. "Nuke you, I will!" Subaru threatens. A clue, the White House gets. A spy among them, there must be. What expendable character this time? Answer the question, the next scene, does:

Ann Coulter to her apartment returns. There, Daniel Jackson, ready to show her his "staff weapon," is. Daniel Jackson: "Bend over, you must, and plow you, I will." Ann Coulter: "Some kind of faggot, what are you?"

Lick Poo transmitting schematics and whatnot to a confederate is. Then, a broken circuit board he discovers. "Lousy Chinese crap!" Needing someone with the necessary expertise, he is. Lick Poo: "My power tools heat up and to kidnap Al Bundy prepare."

01:17:12 to 01:25:48
Daniel Jackson faster in the sack than Jeff Gordon on bennies must be. While Ann Coulter a shower takes, an espionage device into her purse Daniel Jackson places.

Al Bundy, Russet Potato Face dumps. To be her, it sucks. Cares, no one does.

Dr. Dickhead to CTU arrives. "Do anything about her nose, can we?" he asks, Examines her, he does. More track marks and bruises than Courtney Love after Lilith Fair, she has. Inject her with even more drugs, he wants to. A worse bedside manner than House, he has.

Ricky Stratton Jack to the holding cell, escorts. Jack: "Talk to Penisnose, I must. Only person who can get through to her, I am." Ricky Stratton to Fuqya Awana Jacks plea takes: "A chance with her to Jack, give," he asks. Fuqya Awana having none of it is: "No, even though Jack always right is... not listen to him once again, we shall."

1:30:12 to 1:37:02
Weasel Cage the leak back to Ann Coulter traces. Weasel Cage also a New York Post Liz Smith column, has. "Apparently, she, Daniel Jackson, like a screen door, bangs. Daniel Jackson, working for the Rooskies, is." "I'm hittin' that, too." JJ brags. Then, breaks down and cries like a little girl for his dead wife, he does. "Coulter was right, smoke the pipe, you do." Weasel Cage sneers.

Ricky Stratton Jack in the holding cell visits. Then, Ricky's autoerotic asphyxiation fantasy, Jack fulfills. Jack from the holding cell escapes and some guards clocks and Audrey he releases and takes into hiding. Kemper this observes, "If let Jack see her, you had. Happened, none of this, would have."

1:41:25 to 1:48:09
RPF from CTU you conspicuously absent is. Fuqya Awana, Ricky Stratton, of letting Jack loose, accuses. "Rule, O'Doyle does!" triumphantly Ricky Stratton shouts.

Jack, Audrey into Edgar Stiles secret sub-basement pr0n stash hides. Jack for information begs, but responsive, she is not. Jack: "Yes, I know you like mittens. But can you remember anything helpful?" CTU dorks through the door with a blowtorch cut. Jack a gun at Ricky Stratton points. "Bloomfield" Audrey shouts, a good time in a Detroit suburb remembering. Fuqya Awana convinced it something means.

1:52:32 to 1:59:59
The Russian Army preparing to attack is. "Around the american military base, a perimeter, create," JJ orders.

Ann Coulter to JJ's office returns. "You didn't just betray me, you betrayed your country. The Dark Side, a powerful attraction it holds, hm? Now, to your boyfriend go back. That we have the chip, make him believe... or else, label you an enemy combatant and lock you in a cell until the Lions win the Superbowl, I will." She says she will try. JJ: "No! Do or do not! There is no try."

To the Bloomfield copper plant CTU a Tac Team dispatches.

Heller his daughter comforts. Plans to buy mittens, he does. In Jack's cell, he portends. "Near my daughter ever again I you to ever go don't want."

Jacks simply says, "What?"

Like Hurley from last week's Lost, he is channeling.

Tick-Tock

The Carnival of Bauer

2007-04-30T22:03:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (5/3). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (5/2).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Truth-v-Machine. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Live Blogging: 1:00AM - 2:00AM

2007-04-30T20:03:00.000-04:00

The Jack Sack declares "salutations!" to you all!

I have a theory about this season of "24" and it's very simple- the silly 17 episode arc with Fayed and Gredenko, and the slapped-together plot over these past two episodes with Audrey turned into Charles Manson-- all of that is a misdirection from what will be the single greatest finish to any season of "24" ever. All will be forgiven (cue Fox announcer voice) IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!! I know, I'm probably holding out false hope, but what can I say? Even a bad episode of "24" is 100% more fun than all that other flotsum they call television programming out there.

Now, before we get our hands dirty with the live-bloggin', I want to do my part in furthering the image that B4B is written by sexually depraved individuals. Where the standard-issue Kim Bauer pic would normally go here, I am upping the game with the woman I am most attracted to from all past seasons of the show- Kate Warner. And here she is at her finest:

What, that doesn't do it for you? You f&@$ing infidels make me sick! Fine... here ya go:

Better? Bah! Look at her unclean feet!

Alright, 45 minutes to showtime, time to make peace with my God...

8:27PM in the real world: Ya know, as I sit here with my piping-hot laptop on my crotch, I begin to wonder if I can submit several million of these guys for tonight's Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter:

Sorry, fellas, but B4B gots to LIVE BLOG!!!!!!

OK-- The following takes place between 1AM and 2AM...

Previously on 24: Last week we jumped the shark, but we PROMISE it will all be better tonight!

1:00AM- 01:12AM

Cleaning up Doyle's mess. Jack is justifiably pissed. He was SO close to killing himself. Looks like Audrey inherited the "crazy Martha Logan" theme music.

Back at CTU, Hottia is throwing out orders like a fox. And where's Dolores Katz to take care of this silly Morris subplot?

Ya know, Doyle you're NOT a shrink like you say, so what's with the field psych diagnosis?

Back at the Daniels Hen-House: The turncoat Karen Hayes is jivin' something fierce with the crooked "acting" president. Oh come on, is Hayes that silly to buy Daniels' weak-ass schtick? Oh, and now we see that Blondica Lewinsky is getting her-- WOAH, that's a bra! Where was I?

Hey, it's the Russian Prez! "Where are the nuclear wessels, Meeester President?" Oh boy, Daniels is screwed on both ends tonight! Ut-oh, Daniels is now getting frisky. Daniels = OWNED. Say it, Tom- WE GOT A SPY! YEAH, MOLEY MOLEY MOLE!!!!

Offroading with Cheng, we see the miracle of Chinese wi-fi at work. WAIT- the circuit board is damaged. Of course, it's damaged. Ah, the plot thickens!

1:16AM-1:25AM

THAT WAS A QUICKIE INDEED! Well, what have we here? A very fit studly-spy. Put your pants on before you commit treason, son!

Back at "Days of Our O'Brians"-- Chloe tells Morris that he is still her man. Morris tells Chloe, that he's back to being a single-shoe salesman. Go Al Bundy! CHLOE: "Morris, forgive me." MORRIS: "We're done." Man, that's some cold shiznit, Mo-Mo!

Well, here are the 2 most powerful women on Earth, talking about the craziest woman at CTU (Audrey). Karen is strong-arming Nadia. Oh, here it comes- Wooh! Nadia is kicking back. I love this woman. She is in blue light. How friggin hot is that? Who's Dr. Thinbeard? They have these guys on-call to deprogram POWs? Audrey, we will attempt to cure your months of torture in less than an hour. Lovely!

Jack is doing that intense whispering thing to Doyle. Doyle, you don't have a chance. "Mike, we've only known one another for 5 hours- as a personal favor, keep an eye on my broken girlfriend." Yeah, ok.

Audrey is a Tpye-3 catatonic. With a fifth of gin, we can cure her! Dr. Thinbeard- YOU DON'T KNOW JACK! And he just gave three pages of dialogue in two seconds. So, here we have Nadia and Doyle having their little sexually-charged anger-fueled interaction. I am betting cash-money that they end up together before this season is done.

1:30AM-1:37AM

Slutsky McVeepwhore-- the acting President NEEDS you! Wow, is that guy just a pimp or what? Don't button up that shirt, you 2-minute stud you!

Okay, here is a little NSA subcircuit jibberish with Tom Lennox. Russia, blah blah blah... and WA-POW! Who's the leak? "Lisa Miller, Mr. Acting Vice President, sir!" Ohhhhh, Daniels is gonna burst his carotid artery. HAHAHAHA! Oh, man is this great or what? Daniels is the world's biggest moron ever. Oh, Nancy died- okay, so there is no adultery. Poor Tom Lennox, he looks like he's going to laugh and vomit at the same time. That will be a 24 first!

Back at Arkham Asylum, Jack and Doyle are throwing around some whispers. Doyle is the man. You're in the circle of trust, Mike. Good going! Oh wait, the sleeper hold! I love this show!!! SUCKER PUNCH!!! Do it!!!! Dr. Thinbeard, prepare to be knocked the f&@# out! "Consider yourself lucky" ??? Ehhh, not so good a line. Okay, Jack is back to being "rogue" again. Milo knows what's up- "Nadia, just do what Jack tells you, got that baby?"

1:42AM-1:48AM

How hard is it to get live closed circuit feeds? I've seen mini-marts with better surveillance. Nadia, you are too damned fine. You tell Doyle how you feel. Whoo! Wait, Nadia is going to stop Jack? Yeah... no.

Okay, here's the Jack-Audrey reunion! Seriously, this woman is broken. Audrey Louise Heller, born in the awful city of Albany, NY. Heh, Nadia said "dammit!" So hot...

Okay, Jack is peppering her with questions. Well, if Jack can make Frank N' Beans function to catch Gredenko a few weeks ago, I think he can make this malnourished battered woman speak. Wow, Kiefer is an awesome actor. Seriously, I love this guy. Now, shoot the Dr. Thinbeard. Eh, Audrey speaks. "Bloomfield"? "Rosebud"? NADIA: "Dr. Thinbeard, get yo' stupid self back to my office. And no long-distance phone calls, ya dig?"

Wait, Nadia is giving Jack "her word"? Do all CTU personnel talk like Jack?

1:52AM-2:00AM

Okay, so here's the sting operation with Tom and Noah. Man, this is going to be uncomfortable. Oh, MAN this is uncomfortable. Busted! Lisa, you broke my heart! "He's an acquaintance!" Now, Noah is whispering! That's some good whispering, dude. Noah Daniels is vindicated as a character now. "Baby, you cross me again, you're going to GITMO!" Now, that's how you dump a broad. Awesome.

YES!!!!!!!!!! JAMES HELLER IS IN DA HIZZOUSE!!!!!!!! The Cadillac Man Liveth! Long Live James Heller. So cool, so smooth, so effin' dope. This guy has to be a future president on the show.

Oh, Nadia and Mike are having their after-shool special moment.

Heller and Jack-- here it is. "I don't want you to go anywhere near my daughter ever again." Jack, listen to this man. Seriously, LISTEN to him. He whispers! He's serious! "I'm warning you, stay away. You're cursed, Jack."

THAT IS HOW YOU END AN EPISODE!

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 4

2007-04-30T10:21:00.000-04:00

Last time, I mentioned that Jack works at a place called CTU. I also said there were some strange people that worked there. Well, Edgar Stiles would fall into that category. I enjoyed hanging out with Edgar while he blabbered endlessly about ho-hos and his Warcraft skills. Then the fat bastard took a bite out of my head!
Thankfully, Potat....Chloe sprayed him with a water bottle and had some tape handy. I hope I gave him a belly ache.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 16

2007-04-30T09:06:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

We had your typical pretty good episode of 24 last week. You know, a little plot progression, a little shooting, and some yelling.

This week, Jack's in handcuffs (again). Audrey is crazy and the Russians are back! With Jack Bauer Appreciation Day around the corner, you know a big episode is coming.

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner(s) will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan
Week 15 (Hour 19): 4 Points
Winner: Todd (4 Points)

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)
16. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)

'24' Counterpoint

2007-04-28T07:31:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: Jack Bauer Is the Worst Person in the World
by Keith Olbermann

As I was fitting the ball-gag into the mouth of the $500 an hour hooker I picked up down in SoHo, I suddenly thought about Bill Orally and his fat bitch mouth. So, the Big Giant Head Thinks Liberalism ruined '24.'

Well, big boy, I got news for you. Television hasn't been liberal since One Day at a Time was canceled. Ah, those were the days! Every sitcom was a meaningful commentary about women's empowerment, or alcoholism, or bigotry. Every drama was a manifesto against blood-sucking corporations. And I didn't need 30 hits of ecstasy, a ton of Viagra, and half a case of Mexican horse tranq to last a weekend at Hef's.

To real for you, Ted Baxter, and your right-wing Disneyland world of terrorists and intrigue, where one man stands alone? That's not what television should be about.

In the golden age, television was about butch, scary, middle-aged women having abortions. Television was about jiggly female detectives who demonstrated their empowerment by obeying a disembodied patriarchal voice on a speaker phone. But then, television changed, and suddenly, we got redneck southerners burning precious fossil fuels and defying law enforcement. It's been going to hell ever since. Do you think Cousin Daisy ever thought about feminist empowerment while she was serving Boss Hogg at the Boar's Nest? No, she did not. And that's why you, Tom Wopat, get the bronze as my worse person in the world.

Television should be about about "down for the struggle" Black single parents struggling to keep their families together while living in the projects where they belong. Somehow, those people got the counter-revolutionary idea they could join the upper class and move into my neighborhood. I blame Diff'rent Strokes for this. And that's why you, Conrad Bain, take the silver, as the worser person in in the world.

Television should be about trans-sexual, drug-addicted nymphomaniacs and their right to teach in public schools. Television should be about anti-war Army doctors who sexually harass all the Army nurses and nobody gives a hoot. Television should be about men cheating on their wives and girlfriends and the women being cool with it. Television should be about gay Nazi punk skinheads!

If Phil Donahue were alive, I would totally give him a rim job.

Jack Bauer should be torturing the CEO's of oil companies and HMOs. Jack Bauer should waterboard Dick Cheney and cut off George Dumbya Bush's pinky. Jack Bauer should break Rudy Giuliani's fingers one by one. And Network News should be anchored by pedigreed leftists who cut their teeth reporting sports, not dizzy sluts from morning TV who won't even shake hands with 'Little Keith' when you expose yourself to them in the Ladies Room at 30 Rock.

Liberal television didn't ruin Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer ruined liberal television. That's why you, Jack Bauer, are the Worst Person in the World.

Point: This Season of 24 Sucks, I Blame Liberals.
by Bill O'Reilly

24 Caption Contest

2007-04-27T09:44:00.000-04:00

Caption this scene from the last episode of 24.

Any Teri Bauer fans out there? She's getting killed by Nina (again) in this week's semifinal of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-04-26T10:16:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been roasted over at Riding With Ricky . Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to TruthvsMachine. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 3

2007-04-26T09:56:00.000-04:00

Look at me! Dude we're getting a Dell!

CTU is where Jack spends some of his time, when he's not "hanging out" or dodging missiles. There are all sorts of strange people who work there. This is Potato Face, oops I mean Chloe and Jack triangulating cross-referenced post-dilated thingamajig's. They ended up running it through Districts system since a mole had corrupted her database. I hate rodents.

JBAD - May 9th

2007-04-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

This is a just a not so friendly reminder that Jack Bauer Appreciation Day is May 9th.

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 2

2007-04-25T20:20:00.001-04:00

Of course hanging out with Jack can actually mean "hanging" out with Jack. But don't worry. Jack's resourceful. I just wish that my knees bent. My arms are sore. Jacks friends do not "get along and play well with others."

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 1

2007-04-25T16:07:00.000-04:00

Flat Stanley recently spent a day with Jack Bauer! Here is the first part of his adventure.

Today I hung out with Jack Bauer. Here is a picture of us running away from a pair of Hellfire missiles fired from a helicopter. Don't worry, the blood on his shirt is not Jack's or mine.
Unfortunately the toy truck in the background didn't make it.

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-04-25T13:25:00.000-04:00

Point: This Season of 24 Sucks, I Blame Liberals.
by Bill O'Reilly

Hi, I'm Bill O'Reilly and in tonight's Entertainment segment, I have a beef with the show 24. What's wrong you ask? Well the show sucks, the plots are razor thin, and Audrey is back. Here are the top 2 issues that I see are facing Jack Bauer this season and why liberals are behind them.

Why not torture more? Because the liberal media says so.
The basis of the show is that Jack Bauer could and would torture anyone he could lay his hands on. Now the liberal media has forced CTU to limit it's use and and look where it has gotten us. Instead of torturing Gredenko, they inject a tracking device on him and we almost get nuked. Jack wasn't allowed to torture his own brother without supervision and look where it got us. When this day is over, the people at CTU and division need to respond honestly to this question, and if they can't, explain why.

What is taking Jack so long? Hybrids and Ethanol.
The mystery of how Jack Bauer got from Point A to Point B in LA during a commercial break has never been solved. Hell, last season he changed into a suit with a Windsor knot faster than Palmer can say "you are in good hands". However this season, Jack and CTU have been taking longer to travel relatively short distances. Jack even got caught in traffic, I blame it on the enviro-nutjobs pushing CTU to switch to hybrids and the use of Ethanol. Sure we need to save the planet, but don't make Jack shove corn stalks in his car while trying to prevent nuclear war. I don't care if Sean Penn wants you to switch; going green should not come hand-in-hand with getting nuked.

There you have it. Jack should ditch the hybrids and start torturing to turn this season around. He can start with Audrey.

Remember that I'm Bill O'Reilly and no matter what you say, I'll still be right. What say you?

Counterpoint: Jack Bauer Is the Worst Person in the World
by Keith Olbermann

2007-04-25T11:50:00.001-04:00

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 12:00 AM

2007-04-24T13:28:00.000-04:00

(I was challenged to TivoBlog this episode backwards. I'd like to see that jerk Steve at Dave Barry try this!)

Tock-Tick

Jack watches as Penis Nose spazzes out and babbles nonsense about how she's going to save to world from Global Warming by using only one square of toilet paper. Clearly, she's out of her mind. "What did the Heathen Chinee do to her?"

Jack is furious at Ricky Stratton. "I had this handled. Why the hell didn't you listen to me?" He explains there was enough C-4 in the wall to make the Bates Motel "blow up real good." Ricky Stratton puts the cuffs on Jack and prepares to haul him back to CTU.

Lick Poo seems destined to make his escape with the Russian Chip. Lick Poo shoots down a chopper with a missile. CTU is in hot pursuit of Lick Poo who's in the back seat of a military vehicle getting a hummer, or something like that. Lick Poo runs to the three hummers that are waiting for him behind the hotel.

The teams arive just in time to start shooting things up. Ricky Stratton shoots Jack right in the flak vest. Ricky Stratton sees Penis Nose walking away and knows Jack is about to make the trade. Jack won't give up the chip until Penis Nose is safe. Lick Poo pulls up at the Bates Motel in a rented prom limo as Ricky Stratton watches from a distance.

12:59:59 to 12:51:34
Awana Fuqya takes over CTU. "I am your queen, now, infidels! Bow before me!"

The redshirts come for Chiggy. "We're escorting you off the premises. There'll be a new Director in a few hours. It'll probably be Stratton. You're in charge now," he tells Awana Fuqya. Fuqya consoles him, "Sucks to be you," Chiggy takes Awana Fuqya into his office and tells her ."I'm stepping down as Director of CTU. I was fired."

Ricky Stratton spots a vehicle parked behind an abandoned motel and nose it's Jack's because of the license plate "DAMMIT1" and the bumper-sticker reading "I tortured your Honor Student."
Frau Blucher breaks the news to Chiggy in the most sensitive way possible, "Hey, everybody who still has a job at CTU take one step forward. Not so fast, honey."

Al Bundy visits Chiggy to request a transfer. "RPF and me aren't getting along. Put me anywhere else." "How about women's shoes?" "Fabulous"

12:47:13 to 12:38:53

Jack calls Chiggy Killer. "Just letting you know, I am destroying the chip. And, by the way you've been a real mensch. Oy." Jack, in the Bates motel, works on his shop project. It involves some wires and enough C-4 to produce an explosion greater than all the explosives used by all the terrorists in all the attacks made against the United States under the Clinton administration.

Frau Blucher goes to Weasel Cage for advice on what to do, throw Chiggy under the bus to save herself, or vice versa. Weasel Cage tells her "Girlffriend, he's holding you back. Lose that Zero and get yourself a hero!"

He kicks them out and gets to work. Jack opens one of the rooms of the motel and finds 854 illegal immigrants living in it. Jack pulls up at the Bates motel, parks his Toyota Tundra around the back, and grabs his man-purse.

12:33:34 to 12:28:14

Bernie Mac lays it down for Frau Blucher. "Someone's gonna burn for this. You or Chiggy. Take your pick." Rodent Boy is breaking down like Nancy Kerrigan. "Frau Blucher is covering up for Chiggy Killer. He had Sameer Nagonaworkhere and he let him go." "He is such a weasel," Frau Blucher blurts out. Frau Blucher is meeting with Bernie Mac.

Al Bundy storms off, RPF apologizes ineffectually for taking their cat fight too far. RPF and Al Bundy are going at it like Peg Bundy and Al Bundy. "How come you can't satisfy me in bed, Al?" "How come you can't cook, Peg?" "How come you programmed nuclear warheads for terrorists, Al?" RPF gives up and sends the files to Kemper for decryption. Al Bundy and PRF, still bickering. Awana Fuqya tells RPF to check all the calls on all the cell towers Jack might have used.

Ricky Stratton looks at the tire tracks and determines Jack must be on the 305. Also, "Many men come this way, nine horses, two days ago!"

12:23:55 to 12:14:42

Jack calls Lick Poo. "Change in plan, now you have to meet me at the Bates Motel." Lick Poo agrees.

Weasel Cage and JJ agree that they have a lot in common, and decide that their relationship might just work out after all. JJ's first official act is to threaten Weasel Cage. "It concerns me that you have been committing perjury and conspiracy. I don't think that that is behavior befitting the acting president of the United States." JJ chuckles. "What? Did you sleep through the 90's or something?" JJ prepares to seize the reigns of power, and the whips and chains, too, but enough about him and Ann Coulter.

Ricky Stratton keeps following Jack, but with Jack's space-folding ability, it's almost impossible to keep up with him.

Al Bundy and Jack bicker once again. Jack ditches the tracking base under some power lines. Al Bundy loses the tracking signal on Jack Bauer.

Chiggy informs CTU that Jack has gone rogue, which is naturally what happend when he tastes human blood. Ricky calls Chiggy to tell him he screwed up. Ricky Stratton then turns to car-jacking. He knew all that time hanging out with Todd Bridges wasn't wasted.

12:10:17 to 12:00:00

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

2007-04-24T09:49:00.000-04:00

Hi, the name is William Shatner and we have a very special episode of the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. Do you like a good cat fight?

I cannot hear you. I asked if you like a good cat fight?

For round 2 we will have a Q&A Session with each of the ladies and then let you vote on who should stay and who should go.

In Round 1, Nina dispatched of Audrey with extreme prejudice. When the smoke settled, Nina advanced easily (78%-22%). Here is what a few of you wrote about Nina Myers :
deathlok - I think this one is tough. . .I mean Nina could kill you in your sleep, but then again if Audrey rolled over in her sleep she could kill you with a nose through the eye.
Wyatt - GO NINA GO!!!
yeah him - Nothing like an evil demon harpie woman to really arouse the loins... my vote is out there for Nina.

Poor Teri Bauer had to amp up the charm to make it past the hottest terrorist to ever last 3 episodes, Collete Stenger. After an sudden-death run-off, Teri pulled through (51%-49%). Here is what a few of you had to say about Teri:
steveggg - Now, the question is, will Jack kill me if I vote for Teri or will he kill me if I don't vote for Teri?
lbob - Vote Teri
yankz - Teri's only redeeming quality is that she proves Jack Bauer is like Hercules or something. Only his genes could combine with someone as fug as Teri's to produce the (physical) perfection that is Kim.

Speaking of Kim. Cougar-bait moved on to the Final Four with a 54%-46% win over Mandy. Click Here for an updated bracket.

Now let's get to the T&A session. Whoa, I mean Q&A.

Shatner: Teri, how do you feel about Jack fathering a child with another contestant.
Teri Bauer: Well he would've had another child if it were not for that skank-mole Nina Myers.
(Teri reaches over and pimp slaps Nina)

Shatner: Whoa ladies, Shatner likes! Nina...
Nina: hold on a second lard ass.
(Nina reaches over and pimp slaps Teri)
Shatner: Ohhh yeah!
Nina: Are you going to ask a question or do you need to get slapped?
Shatner: Can I get a little slap?

Which one of these cougars will reach the next round? That is for you to decide.

Who moves on to the Final Four?

Nina Myers

Teri Bauer

Click Here for results

The Carnival of Bauer

2007-04-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (4/25). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (4/26).

This week, the Carnival heads over to Riding With Ricky. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

Live Blog 12:00-1:00AM

2007-04-23T17:37:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm Jack Bauer and I'll be your host tonight on the Jack Bauer Power Hour.

Here's a picture of my daughter, look at it and I'll cut your eyes out and take a wiz in your ocular cavity:

Before we get things started, here are some discussion topics:
-Should Audrey get a silent clock?
-What crappy news story is Fox5NY working on tonight? Also, is Toni the anti-christ?
-Chinese, Arabs, Russians. What is the next ethnic group to face Jack's wrath?

I bet you're asking how I plan on live blogging while transporting highly sensitive nuclear components to angry Chinese, while CTU tries to twart me. Well with Jack Sack Lite, I have been reunited with my Treo 650 which makes phone calls, blows up terrorists, and also allows me to liveblog from the road.

12:00am
-O'Doyle runs like a girl and commandeers cars like one too.
"Jack Bauer has gone rouge count": 1
-Morris climbs stairs like a girl.
-Milo cross references sattelite uplinks like a girl.
-President Palmer, always watched FoxNews. VP Daniels is a CNB type-of-guy. They should have thought that out before they made the ticket.
Question: How many times has Weasel "given his word" this season?

12:10 (Commercial Break)
Chew on this: Jack drives a Toyota, the Chinese drive an American car.

12:14
-President Daniels "is" looking to get some Oval Office action....
"Go grab a cigar, I'll put on my ball gag" Did they really just say that?
-Nadia bosses people around like a girl.
-Does Morris know that Chloe has shot 2 people over the past few seasons?
-Another black dude on 24? How will they kill him off?
zzzzzzzzzzz wake me when the filler is done.

12:23 (Commercial Break)
Random midget Claritan commercial. Does he have to break the pills in half?
Chew on this: The President's "chief of staff" was on a show called "Shark".
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

12:28
-The music tells me something is about to happen.
-JACK SACK!!!!
-Nadia almost cracked a smile while talking to Doyle. I guess thoughts of him riding his little electric train would make even the hardest bitch crack a smile.
-Boobie trap set. Boobie...heh.
-Jack gets an answering machine? What the hell?

12:34 (Commercial Break)
For those of you new to 24, it's now coming up to 45 minutes past the hour. That means the shooting is about to start. It's 24 Law.
-Window puppet shows are illegal in New York? I smell 24-Season 8.
-bRight & Early ate Taco Bell before the show, so he's not going to make it to the shooting scene. Thankfully for people like him can, you can recap the show tomorrow with VtheK's TiVO Recap.

12:38
-Is someone counting how many times the word "resignation" has been used tonight? My guess = 12 times.
-Karen just fired her husband? Bill took the news like a girl. Bill is going to go rouge.
-Did they just make the Muslim the acting director of CTU? She has only been there like 17 hours or something and has already been accused of being a mole. Come to think of it, she's perfect.
Chew on this: No CTU guards wearing white shirts have been killed this season.

12:47 (Commercial Break)
I get sick to the stomach anytime I see a preview for a Nicolas Cage movie.
Useless Fox5NY 24 Story: "A Big shocker to end the season, we check on the set for hints" - isn't this the same news team who decried spoilers a few weeks ago?

12:51
Cue Kill Counter
Audrey looks like hell. Which is saying a lot because she wasn't that hot to begin with.
(Jack is thinking): If he calls me Mr. Bower one more time....
-Jack is down!!! Again.
-Bang
-Bang
Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo) = 4 points
-Speaking of hummers, where is the president?

Jack has been in handcuffs more times that Tennessee Titans Cornerback PacMan Jones. Google him if that just went over your head.
-Not Audrey? Chopper down. Jack's plan is not looking so good.

12:59....1am

Next week:
Audrey bot....Russian spy...Jack yells.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 15

2007-04-23T09:02:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Last week was a transition episode that put the Chinese on Jack's list of the next ethnic group to be added to the kill counter this season. If there are any Swedes out there, you're next.

Like April showers bringing May flowers, a transition production brings death and destruction. Will Audrey get a silent clock? Will Bacardi and Lite Beer make up? Will yet another CTU tac team get blasted?

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None
Week 14 (Hour 18): 0 Points
Winners:
dan, The Man, glockspeak, lonestar, randomdan

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)

We Can Help

2007-04-23T05:47:00.000-04:00

Scanning through my site meter stats I found this inquiry:

You can click on the image to get a larger view, but here is the relevant part:

We can help:

Cross Posted from Blogs.4Bauer.com

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-04-21T09:46:00.000-04:00

Counterpoint: Who You Callin' a Ho? Cracker!
by Cynthia McKinney

Mr. Don Imus, you have insulted the Sistuh-hood for the last time! You bes' lay off my home girl, Sherry Palmer (Man, that Sherry Palmer is outta sight! She's been there, done that, met just about every kind of cat!) -- before I get my groove back all over yo' ass.

Feel my pimp hand! It's got my Boost Mobile cellular phone in it, too! Mm-hmm, I tell you where you at! You up my butt and 'round the corner, that's where you at, white boy! Don't look at me in that tone of voice! I can keep this up all night and not feel no ways tired! Mm-Hmm.

Noah Daniels is the key to all o' this, mmm-hmmm. Why else would a fine outstanding, clean and articulate soul brother like Dwayne Palmer put his cracker ass on a national ticket instead of a soul- sister like Maxine Waters. (Hey Girlfriend! I see you! No justice no peace! Mm-Hmm.) Or Sheila Jackson-Lee, who put our astronauts on Mars already! That's right, we got the Martian Sistuh-hood now, so don't you miss with us, Mr. Don Cracker Imus.

Where was I at? Oh, yeah, Noah Daniels. Cracker-in-Chief. Why was he on the Dwayne Palmer ticket? Let me spell it out for you. J-O-O-S! It always leads back to the J-O-O-S.

Noah Daniels. Don Imus. The J-O-O-S. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it. Just ask Al Sharpton.

24 Caption Contest

2007-04-20T09:42:00.000-04:00

Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure to cast your vote in the Kim-Mandy Death-match. After around 500 votes, Kim holds a slight lead.

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-04-19T09:46:00.001-04:00

Welcome back to The Carnival of Bauer!!!, the only carnival dedicated to Jack Bauer and all things 24 (no matter how trivial). On that note, make sure you vote in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest, this week Kim Bauer and Mandy are doing battle for a shot at the Final Four.

These are dark days for Fox and America. Not because Sanjaya was voted off of American Idol. Not because their new show Drive has Commander-in-Chief-esq ratings. No, it's because Jack Bauer wrapped things up early this season (maybe Snake Plissken's rantings got to him). With a 7 hours of filler left and Kim Bauer's return still six episodes away, what's Jack to do with himself? Sleep or sit on the can for the next 6 hours?

One thing is for sure, The Carnival of Bauer!!! will not take the next 7 hours off. This Friday, the carnival will be the featured carnival over at Blog Carnival.

Well enough about us, let's see what the blogs had to say this week.

The best weekly recap of 24 has to be VtheK's TiVO Recap here at Blogs4Bauer.

Seriously, enough about us. Here's what other 24-fan blogs had to say this week:

Magic Lamp recaps the latest episode in the usual funny way. Cheers for a fellow Audrey-hater.

Has 24 jumped the shark when Real Estate blogs start posting recaps? If not, check out this recap by Rich Jacobson and his Real Estate blog.

The Jack Sack is BACK! The fellow B4B member post his interview with the Jack Sack on what (and who) it's been doing and the new, slimmer look.

Check out the Sour Bauer Power Hour that notes the presence of a transitional episode, but a pretty good one for transitions. However they throw out some absurd theories like Chloe is a mole. Have you seen her poker face? She would not be a good mole.

Amy Vernon (last week's host), notes that Chloe dropped a "Dammit". Geeks around the world collectively took a shot of Red Bull. Count Amy as an Audrey-hater.

Doug at Below the Beltway bemoans the addition of Ricky Stratton to the cast of 24 and notes the writers are recycling plot line. Doug, they are called plot-offsets and they make sure the show it plot-neutral, you can blame Al Gore for that. Doug does not like Audrey either. Is anyone keeping count?

Do you want a recap that includes references to Patrick Ewing and Small Wonder? How about some You Tube clips and a count of how many times Jack Bauer has mentioned his own name (42)? Well then get your nappy-head over to KyleBrandt.com for his weekly recap.

Jam Hot gives this episode a 7 out of 10 in their recap and is looking forward to the next episode.

While I have not been called it, I am also a 24 Whore. Signs you are a 24 Whore: telling your boss that you cannot work late on Mondays, reminding your wife that 2 and a Half Men is on at 9pm over and over again, and starting a website called Blogs4Bauer. Anyway, check out 24 Whore's answer to if Logan is coming back.

When JWookie is not getting his clock cleaned by myself in fantasy baseball or football, he's watching 24. So before he goes out and picks up the KC Royals third-baseman Mark Teahan (who I just dropped on the waiver wire), check out his 24 Moment of Zen.

Finally, one of my favorite sites to visit on Wednesdays is 24 in 24. Check out the latest comic-book recap of 24.

I want to thank everyone who has submitted posts to this carnival and previous Carnivals of Bauer!!! Creating and hosting a carnival is a lot of work, we really appreciate everyone who helps make this a really successful carnival every week. Because sometimes, watching 24 is a lot of work.

If you would like to host one of our few remaining Carnivals of Bauer!!! send Jack Bauer an email.

24 Point/Counterpoint

2007-04-18T15:09:00.000-04:00

Point: Nuke the bastards, let Buddha sort them out
by Don Imus

Jack Bauer has it all wrong. He shouldn't get his man-boobs in a tizzy because of that dong-nosed broad Audrey. We have the Russian nukes, lets use em on those Asain bastards and let Buddha sort them out.

Sorry Jack, Audrey is a dog. I don't believe that she went to China looking for you. Hell, I don't think she could find China on a map if her huge honker nose was pointed at it, let alone plan a rescue operation. It appears she stuck her nose in someplace it didn't belong and now is your chance to kill two birds with one nuke.

Good work on those Islamic terrorists Jack, it's good know there was a run on virgins over the past few hours. I think Allah had to round up 432 virgins in the last couple of hours alone. I've been to LA and I know finding one is pretty hard to do.

Now that we have their nukes, lets use 'em before CTU loses 'em. With 7 hours left, you know CTU will just screw up a handover or a mole will just walk on out with them. Come on Jack put them to good use on those rotten Chinese. Give them a delivery they will not soon forget!

The beautiful part is they're Russian-made nukes, so the ching-chong Chinese will probably think the Russians were all goofed up on vodka and bear sex, let the briefcase nukes get stolen...well I just don't give a crap, let them think the snukes ended up in that nappy headed ho Sandra Palmer's snitch for all I care. Just blow those rice-eaters to the stone age with their Arab buddies.

Oh, could you call Al Sharpton and let him know there's a news conference at the site beforehand?

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

2007-04-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

Hi, I am William Shatner and you know what time it is? No, not time to talk about Don Imus. It's time for the first semifinal match-up in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest!

We have narrowed the field down from 15 ladies and Audrey down to only 8. The winners of this round will face off in The Final Four.

Here are the lucky 8:
Kim Bauer
Mandy
Nadia Yassir
Martha Logan
Nina Myers
Teri Bauer
Marilyn Bauer
Chloe O'Brian

For round 2 we will have a Q&A Session with each of the ladies and then let you vote on who should stay and who should go.

The first match-up is between hotties Kim Bauer and Mandy. Let's take a look back at how each of these ladies got to Round 2.

In Round 1, Kim had a little trouble with the haters and Diane Huxley. Huxley almost pulled an upset, but Kim pulled it out (51%-49%). Here is what some people said about Kim:
Timmay - Dating a New York Ranger (Sean Avery), gotta support my team
Yeah Him - she was really hot in the first season
bob - She's not only the most annoying character in the history of television, she also doesn't know anything about hockey -- AND she's illiterate.

Mandy dispatched of Sherry Palmer easily (81%-19%) and here is what a few people had to say about Mandy:
Wyatt - Mandy = Giggity!
lou - No contest
anonymous - If this is even close, there is something very wrong with the readers of this blog.

Now let's get to the T&A session. Whoa, I mean Q&A.

Shatner: Kim, if you had to pick a role model who would that be and why?
Kim Bauer: My Dad, because he is Jack Bauer.
Mandy:...and I should have killed him when I had a chance.

Shatner: Whoa ladies! Mandy, this question is for you. What is the strangest place you have, you know, done "it".
Mandy: That would probably be in the bathroom of flight 221, we were...
Shatner: Ohhh yeah! Tell me more!
Mandy: Well after we were done I killed a stewardess and blew up the airplane.
Shatner: Yikes. Too much information.

Shatner: Kim, you are stuck in a room with a pair of pliers, a rabid mountain lion, and a stick of gum. What do you do?
Kim: Call my dad, Jack Bauer.
Mandy: I should cut you right now.

Shatner: Ladies, ladies. Lets just skip the talent portion and go straight to the voting.

Who moves on to the Final Four?

Kim Bauer

Mandy

Click here for the results

Fox 5 NY has Jumped the Shark

2007-04-17T16:48:00.000-04:00

Fans of 24 who live in the New York area have to put up with a weekly scourge that robs us of sleep and forces us to sit through 4 weather reports and even the business news. It's Toni's weekly useless 24 story time!

Every week during 24, around 45 minutes past the hour a teaser for a 24-related story on the 10pm newscast is aired, typically they end up just being interviews with Jack or viewers moaning about spoilers. Every now-and-then their teasers get me to watch the news hoping to find out if Jack is going to die or if Kim Bauer will come back.

This week the useless 24 story segment really jumped the shark. Really.

"Being dead on 24 does not always mean your dead. What characters are next on the comeback list, find out next"

Is it Tony? Is it? Tell me now, I don't want to hear about the weather in New Jersey, dammit!

"With Audrey coming back, who else could be resurrected on 24? Find out Next"

Could Soul Patch be coming back? I mean he didn't get a silent clock.

No.

I waited until the end of the newscast and Toni listed three dead characters and questioned if they could make a comeback. Edgar, President Logan, and Curtis. I shit you not. I almost threw the remote control at my dog's head. To top it off, they come to the conclusion with their "24 expert" that none of those 3 have a chance at a comeback. So the whole story was not just a crock. No, it was a big crock of crap with a cherry on top. Screw you Toni.

Click Here to see the craptastic story. Check out the one called 4/16/07 Resurrection!

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM

2007-04-17T10:30:00.000-04:00

11:00:00 to 11:11:14
The hour begins with a little tender male bonding between Jack and Ricky Stratton: "Jack, I know you've been through Hell, and I want you to know, I respect you, man, and everything you did. Hey, if you're not doing anything later, wanna come back to my place and watch figure-skating?"

But Jack has to take a call from the Heathen Chinee intelligence officer, Lick Poo. Lick Poo will swap Penis-Nose for the arming chips on the nuclear devices, which somehow contain the entire key to all of Russia's defense systems. If Jack refuses, the Heathen Chinee will whack off Penis Nose.

Back in DC, President Belushi isn't looking so good, but he can't step down, not with Jim Jones ready to burst through the wall with a hearty "Oh, Yeah!" So, Weasel Cage offers him a way out and tells him about the tape where Jim Jones refers to Cynthia McKinney Belushi as a "Nappy Headed Ho." But then, Frau Blucher bursts into the Batcave with good news: "The Heathen Chinee are gonna kill Penis Nose!"

While Chiggy Killer gives a hearty speech praising the surviving CTU staff for finding the nukes, for going 16 hours without a mole, and reminding them that "next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

RPF gets a call from Jack asking for the specs to the nucular bombs so he can swap them for Penis Nose. Chloe hesitates, "Jack, we both know that would result in an international incident... besides, shouldn't you be with the mother of your child? Patsy Ramsey?" Jack assures her that he'll never let those "yellow bastards" get their hands on the chip. RPF tries to get the specs off Al Bundy's workstation, but it takes a while as she sorts through his collection of foot fetish pr0n. Finally, she gets the specs to Jack just in the nick of time.

11:15:28 to 11:25:02
Jim Belushi calls Jim Jones in the Oval Office. "Look, JJ, I think you're great and everything... but I just think we should both see other Chief Executives for a while." JJ replies, more or less, "Bite my angry, Bob-Dole-like, ass." JB tries to be conciliatory: "Now, don't make this hard. We can still be friends." But ends up threatening to release the "nappy headed ho" tape to Al Sharpton. JJ concedes.

At CTU, Al Bundy spots the system hacking because he had installed a key-logger when no one was looking. RPF confesses. "All right, I did it to help Jack, but it's cool. Jack promised that he probably won't give the triggers to the Chinese." Al Bundy disagrees, "But I feel really bummed about helping the terrorists with those codes, I'm gonna narc you out." "Never mind, I'll narc myself out." RPF goes to Chiggy's office to confess in person.

Back where the bombs are, Jack tries to intimidates the Marines into letting him pass by making his fur stand on end and hissing at them. He succeeds, but then while he is removing the circuit board. Light Beer (Ricky Stratton) appears, and puts Jack (once again) in handcuffs. Jack has spent more time in handcuffs this season than Dick Morris at a bondage convention.

11:28:15 to 11:34:28
Jack talks to President Belushi to get permission to swap the nucular trigger for Penis Nose. "As Janet Reno once said, Mr President, you owe me, bitch." After Jack promises to load the chip with C-4 and go "Allah Akhbar" if Lick Poo tries to take it, the president reluctantly agrees.

11:38:42 to 11:47:52
Jack asks Ricky Stratton for help. "I need you to help me with Audrey's extraction. The Heathen Chinee are very crafty." Jack also has a score to settle with Lick Poo, who tortured him while he was in China. Jack promises, "When we're done, the chip will be destroyed, and Lick Poo will be dead."

Chloe and Al Bundy have a spat, but no one cares.

Ricky Stratton isn't thrilled to be along for the ride, and thinks Jack should kick Penis Nose to the curb. "I don't mix relationships with my job, Jack. Not since I lost my virginity to Erin Grey, anyway."

Back in DC, JJ tells Ann Coulter, "The President asked me to resign, and I'm going to." Ann Coulter doesn't like it, "That faggot? I'll scratch his eyes out and convert him to Christianity!" JJ takes her hand and tells her not to worry. "Hey, forget it, after I resign, I am gonna bone you like Snoop Dogg." They go to watch the president's midnight press conference. Zombie President Belushi yammers on about national healing and whatnot and at first no one notices he's babbling like Jessica Savitch. But then he suffers a seizure, and passes out. At first, the press applauds his Chevy Chase impression, but they realize something is wrong when JJ runs to the podium, spikes a football, and does a dance in the End Zone.

11:52:04 to 11:59:59
In the White House, the physician has, during the commercial break, diagnosed a stroke, sent the president to Bethesda Naval Hospital for an MRI, and cooked a Hot Pocket in his microwave. With JJ's in charge again, Ann Coulter checks the calendar and spots the presidential directive authorizing Jack's covert action. JJ thinks its a bad idea. "She bought her ticket. She knew the risks. I say, let her crash!"

Chiggy calls Doyle, and tells him to stand down the operation. "I need you to divert Jack from the freeway to a tactical team that will take him down" Doyle nods, "Roger that."

"Who was that?" Jack asks. "Oh, nobody. By the way, Jack, we can't take the 118. There's been an accident. A semi-truck full of eggs hit a truck full of cheese; there's quiche everywhere." Jack doesn't buy it, he pulls a gun. "I blew away Cola, I can sure as Hell blow away Light Beer." He tells Doyle, "Put out or Get Out."

Since he actually just meant, "get out," Jack leaves him by the side of the road.

Tick-Tock

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

2007-04-17T06:56:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted Thursday (4/19). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (4/18).

This week, the Carnival returns to Blogs4Bauer. If you want to host the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

The Return of THE JACK SACK!!!

2007-04-17T00:21:00.000-04:00

After 17 hours of waiting, Jack Bauer has been reunited with his trusty manpurse- The Jack Sack. Below is 'ol Sacky in his own words, rejoicing in the moment:

YEAH BABY!!!!

Gen. Douglas A. MacArthur said "I shall return" and that is what I've done tonight! After 2 years of a Chinese prison, after 17 hours of tracking down Abu Fayed and his rag-tag bunch of bumbling nuke-carting jackbirds, Jack Bauer has been reunited with me, his loyal protector and all-purpose fashionable utility bag- The Jack Sack!

This has been a very difficult day for us all, myself included. I remember watching my friend, The Black Sack, die earlier this day. And I recall seeing Jack pop in and out of CTU, walking right past me, oblivious to my very existence. I have to say, I felt dejected. And then I saw Jack talking with that floozy, Marilyn. I was about to pack myself up and move to West Virginia, when I heard the news: Audrey is dead. That settled it, I wasn't going anywhere... I decided to stand with the best friend I've ever known.

As Jack made his final push to kill the terrorists, I organized a fresh supply of C4 and ammo clips. The other sacks were rolling their straps at me-- "Where do you think you're going, fella?" they asked me. They believed the crisis was over once the nukes were secured. But I knew better. And when the call came in-- that the Chinese were back in play and Audrey was alive-- that's when I took the first chopper over to Jack's position in the field. I introduced myself to that "sackless" punk Mike Doyle and he brought me to Jack. When my canvas strap was slung over Jack's shoulder, it was like all that unpleasantness of the past 17 hours just... dissolved in a murky memory of nothingness.

And now, Jack and I have gone rogue. That means that we will stop at nothing to finish the job. Due Process, habeas corpus, the Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights- these are of no concern to us. What we seek is sweet, bloody justice. And we shall have our revenge.

Don't even think of getting in our way. Copy that?

Shameless Self-Promotion

2007-04-16T23:00:00.000-04:00

Liveblogging 11 PM - 12 AM

2007-04-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

That's right, folks, RFTR is back in action.

And I promise this time I won't leave halfway through to be replaced by the person whose turn I stole. We'll get started in just about 20 minutes.

Until then, here's a little gift from me to you:

And here we go.

I didn't watch Drive yet tonight, so no one ruin anything in the comments. Let's just leave it at: last night's episodes rocked.

11:00 PM - He needs to get to a hospital? The only reason jack would go into a hospital is if there was a terrorist there he needed to torture.

11:02 - Now the Chinese want the nukes. Didn't they see The Departed? Jack's just going to give them fakes.

And they want access to all Russian defense technology? Isn't that just, like, an underpaid guy and some rusty hardware?

11:04 - No she's not alright, she's still got a penis nose!

11:06 - So the U.S. military objected this season to Jack's use of torture. Think they'll object to him killing a few U.S. soldiers?

11:08 - Oh no, Jack's talking to Chloe in secret. That's never good news.

11:09 - Chloe's worried about an international incident? Since when?

Ads - Snowboarders have AmEx cards now? What happened to exclusivity?

11:15 - I'm pretty sure that gash on the President's face would have been bandaged and oozing all kinds of nasty crap.

11:17 - "How dare you?"??? Is he really surprised that Palmer wants his resignation? "Sorry I tried to have you declared mentally incompetent. Still friends?"

11:19 - All Chloe has to do is tell him that she did it. Spouses can't testify against each other, right? Are they married, or am I misremembering that?

11:21 - Here we go, another CTU employee doubting Jack. That always works well, right? I know, let's contain Jack with a perimeter.

11:22 - She's totally not going to tell Chiggy.

11:23 - Only Jack Bauer could turn a heavily-guarded warehouse into his own personal jungle gym. And the helicopter's ETA is 15 minutes? If Jack needed it, it would have been there yesterday.

11:24 - Remind me the next time I need a tank to claim I'm a federal agent, never flash any credentials, and insist that it's under Presidential order.

11:25 - Ooh. That'll cause a headache. M-16s do not feel good against the side of the head.

Ads - Anyone out there? The comments seem rather quiet tonight. Am I that boring?

If I'm not entertaining you enough, then maybe you should read a more interesting blog instead.

11:29 - Jack's chained. Time for some vampire action. "I had to subdue him," um, no, you had a soldier do it. Pussy.

11:32 - If it's so easy for Jack to get to the President, why didn't he ask for his help before trying to go rogue? Also, I'll say it again, why do people doubt Jack so often?

11:33 - A C-4 Charge will take out anything within 30 feet? Um, doesn't that depend upon the amount of C-4?

Ads - Jack had better start shooting people soon. I'm falling asleep over here.

11:39 - Ooooooh. Doyle's giving Jack orders now. Maybe if he acted a bit less like a little bitch about the whole thing he'd seem a little more intimidating. That being said, Jack just asked him to partner up—which means he's going to be dead sometime in the next few hours.

11:42 - Of course she'll hold it over his head. She's a woman. She screws up, and it's his fault. This is network TV, people, men are evil. Don't forget it.

11:43 - He has half an hour? Jeez, he could be in Milwaukee in half an hour.

11:44 - Doyle doesn't mix relationships with his job, but I bet he'd boink Nadia if given the chance.

11:45 - This VP's chief of staff is way hotter than Scooter Libby. But also not any better of a liar.

The VP is no less attracted to her than Cheney is to Scooter, though.

11:46 - "Their dedication has helped bring this crisis to an end... and now I'm going to help in starting up another one right out of a Tom Clancy novel." Oh dear.

The worst has passed--until the Chinese get a hold of Russian technology.

11:47 - President is about to take a spill on live TV. Awesome. Totally stroking out.

Ads - By the way, in honor of Imus, I'm liveblogging in a cowboy hat.

11:52 - You mean they don't have an MRI in the White House?

"There's no denying that this is a great tragedy for the President—and f-ing sweet for me!"

11:53 - This president has got to trust Jack, right? No, of course not. No one does.

11:54 - "Even Jack Bauer can't guarantee that outcome"? Has Jack Bauer ever let anyone down? Well, okay, his wife—but Nina was hotter anyway!

11:58 - "I shot a friend of mine today because I had to. I would shoot you just for the fun of it. I haven't gotten ass in like 2 years, and if I set Audrey free, I'm sure to get laid. So get out of my way."

11:59 - Jack goes against the White House all the time. Don't tell him what he can't do.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 14

2007-04-16T13:21:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Last week Jack decided to take things into his own hands. In a matter of seconds, Jack saved the world (again) by finding the nukes and killing off all the terrorists he could find.

There's one problem. Jack finished off this day with 7 hours left on the 24 hour timer. What will Jack do to fill the time?

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System and post your point total in the comments section for Hour 11. The winner will be posted next Monday.

Week 1 (Hours 1-4): 4 Points
Winner: Rhymes With Right (4 points)
Week 2 (Hour 5): 0 Points
Winner: Justin (0 points)
Yeah, him. (0 points)
Week 3 (Hour 6): 0 Points
Winner: None
Week 4 (Hour 7): 2 Points
Winner: None
Week 5 (Hours 8-9): 4 Points
Winner: None
Week 6 (Hour 10): 4 Points

Winner: Yeah, him. (4 points)

glockspeak (4 points)

nicky (4 points)

Week 7 (Hour 11): 0 Points

Winner: The Man (0 Points)

Justin (0 Points)
Week 8 (Hour 12): 0 Points
Winner: Dan (0 Points)
pickett (0 Points)
Yeah Him (0 Points)
Week 9 (Hour 13): 5 Points
Winner: glockspeak (5 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 4 Points*
Winner: Al (4 Points)
Week 10 (Hour 14): 9 Points
Winner: None - Sorry Al
Week 11 (Hour 15): 1 Point
Winner: glockspeak (1 Point)
Week 12 (Hour 16): 5 Points
Winner: steveggg (5 Point)
Week 13 (Hour 17): 21 Points
Winner: None

Season 6 Kills so far:
1. Bite to the neck (4 points)
2. Explosive kick (1 point)
3. Killing Curtis (-1 point)
4. Shooting while handcuffed (1 point, +1 Dammit bonus)
5. Shooting 2 dudes with a shotgun (2 points, +2 combo)

6. Saved Milo's ass by capping 2 dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
7. Shot Russian dude after beating him with a belt (1 Point)
8. Shot 2 Russian dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
9. Shot 2 more dudes (2 points, +2 combo)
10. Shot one more dude that died in the next hour (1 point, +4 combo)
11. Shot a henchman (1 point)
12. Shot 2 dudes and said something cool (2 Points, +2 combo, +1 Cool bonus)
13. Snapped a neck (2 Points)
14. Shot 4 dudes in quick succession (4 Points, +12 combo)
15. Got Fayed to hang out (2 Points, +1 Cool bonus)

Miss Blogs4Bauer Runoff

2007-04-16T10:08:00.000-04:00

The votes have been counted and after 1,050 votes, the Chloe-Michelle winner is. No one. A Sanjaya-esq campaign of Chloe fans propelled RPF into a stalemate with Michelle Dessler. The vote goes on!

The final tally will be announced sometime during our live-blog tonight. Tune in around 9pm for liveblogging and our new B4B Drinking game, drink every time someone mentions a shark and/or Kim Bauer.

So get your vote on (again). The Round 2 match up of Kim Bauer and Mandy will be posted Tuesday.

Who should move on?

Michelle Dessler

Chloe O'Brian

24 Caption Contest

2007-04-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

Caption this scene from 24.

Make sure that you go and vote in the final Round 1 match-up in the Miss Blogs4Bauer contest. After 700 votes, Chloe has edged ahead of Michelle Dessler (54-46%).

Check back on Monday to see who moves on to Round 2, also on Monday Kim Bauer takes on Mandy in our first quarterfinal match.

Letters to Jack

2007-04-12T13:45:00.000-04:00

Instead of a Point/Counterpoint this week, we have something a little different. It appears that our haranguing of Audrey Raines and her nose that's shaped like male genitalia has rankled has upset a Blogs4Bauer fan named Sally (if that is her real name).

Check out what she has to say and then post your reply in the comments.

In defense of Audrey Raines

I am a regular reader of Blogs4Bauer. I love it, I really do. But I must speak up in defense against this relentless trashing of the Audrey.

And here's why.

Granted, Audrey was rather spineless and annoying in Season 4, but she was a policy girl— pampered, protected, and helped along in life by a good dose of nepotism. Not a character building scenario by any stretch. She meets Jack, who she thinks is just like her. Then she finds out he isn't. And then some.

Cue: Paul, bullet, widowhood…when Audrey's world is turned upside down, she flips out like any self-respecting princess would. See, I am fully aware of her faults.

What redeems her is her emotional growth in Season 5. She gets a big dose of home truths from Diane Huxley about accepting Jack for who he is. Okay, I have to admit that Diane is probably the better pairing for Jack—she meets him at his level and they'd probably have a blast together, but I like Audrey for the fact that she brings out the softer side of Jack. Now before you grab your barf bag, hear me out—especially since it's very difficult typing to the sound of exaggerated retching.

Without a tender side, Jack would be just a killing machine. Who wants to cuddle with the Terminator, ya know? Female viewers want their heroes tough when it's necessary, but sweet and thoughtful, too. The writers of the show have done a good job showing both sides of Jack. By adding the rescue of a damsel in distress to the story arc, they keep the female side of the audience well and truly hooked.

The fact that Jack might go back to China to rescue Audrey already has me salivating for Season 7. Plus it proves she's grown to the point of not just acceptance, but of laying it all on the line to find him. So give the girl a break. She's good for Jack. Trust me.

And if this doesn't convince you below, I give up:

A penis nose:

Kim Raver:

I rest my case.

Thanks Sally. I would disagree that Jack has a tender side. The man has an iron taint for Pete's sake. Sure he lets himself get close to women, but that is only because they are either currently a mole or will probably become a mole later in the day. Jack is like a pissed off Rambo (Part 1), a pure psychopath with no people skills whatsoever.

Sure Kim got Jack to dress in a suit. Kim got him a nice desk job at the DoD. But just when Kim thought she had cleaned him up, well she let her ex-husband get in the way of Jack Bauer and saving the world so Jack added Paul to the Kill Counter faster than you can say "fish -n- chips".

She also has a very weak brachial artery. As for Jack going to China, well that would be cool only if it was to finish what Christopher Henderson started. Oh and her nose is shaped like a penis.

Previously on Blogs4Bauer
Point: My home is not a KinderCare - Audrey
Counterpoint: Keep Your Big Nose Out Of This! - Jack Bauer

Point: Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - Dr. Phil
Counterpoint: Audrey, stand by your man! - Mary Jo Buttafuoco

If you have an issue with Blogs4Bauer or 24 in general (I'm talking to you Steveggg). Please send Jack Bauer an email and we'll post it for others to make fun of or...whatever.

The Carnival has posted!

2007-04-12T10:55:00.000-04:00

The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted over at Remote Access . Go check it out!

Next week the carnival moves over to TruthvsMachine. If you want to host an upcoming edition of the carnival, send Jack Bauer an email.

A Message From Debbie Pendleton

2007-04-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

Blogs4Bauer

Movin On Up

More Fun With The Simpson's

Agent Pierce goes AWOL

24 Point/Counterpoint

24 Ways Jack Bauer is Carbon Neutral

Simpsonize 24!

24 Makes History at the Emmy Awards

Ow Gore!

Jack Bauer in Africa?

Some People Make Their Own Luck

Your Random Kim Bauer Fix

The Seventh Worst Day of Jack Bauer's Life

Cast

The Plot

By day’s end

Not The Mandy Manilow Was Talking About

Jack Bauer/Phil Mickelson: Bosom Brother?

Dear Tony

Damnit!

Blogs4Bauer's Showcase Showdown

Your blog is locked

24 Action Figures

Come On, We Dare You

Shenanigans Afoot!

Chloe - 1st Annual Miss Blogs4Bauer

24 Caption Contest

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

The Miss Blogs4Bauer Championship

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 05:00 AM and 06:00 AM

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 04:00 AM and 05:00 AM

24 - Season Finale - Live Blog

Cougar Bait Returns Tonight

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Chloe Appreciation Day

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Finale

24 Caption Contest

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

JACK BAUER - Speed Painting by Nico Di Mattia

B4B Point/Counterpoint

24 Point/Counterpoint

A Presidential Ticket With Some Firepower

B4B Point/Counterpoint

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Final Four

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 03:00 AM and 04:00 AM

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

Liveblogging 3-4am

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 18

An Important Message From Beyond The Grave

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 5

24 POINT/COUNTERPOINT

24 Caption Contest

24 Point/Counterpoint

24 Point/Counterpoint

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

Miss Blogs4Bauer Semifinals

Today is "Jack Bauer Appreciation Day"

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 2:00 am and 3:00 am

Live Blogging: 2:00am to 3:00am

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 17

24 Caption Contest

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

24 Point/Counterpoint

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals

TivoBlogging: Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM, The Following Does.

The Carnival of Bauer

Live Blogging: 1:00AM - 2:00AM

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 4

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 16

'24' Counterpoint

24 Caption Contest

The Carnival of Bauer!!!

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 3

JBAD - May 9th

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 2

Flat Stanley Spends a Day with Jack Bauer - Part 1

24 Point/Counterpoint

TivoBlogging: The Following Takes Place Between 1:00 AM and 12:00 AM

Miss Blogs4Bauer - Semifinals